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5/11/2007

Wedding Planner Wonders When His Prince Will Waltz In

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

DeKuntz: Heartbroken and mustachioed

(Toledo, OH) Stefan DeKuntz, one of the premiere wedding planners in the greater Toledo area, recently celebrated the flawless execution of his 100th ceremony-and-reception marriage combo.

However, the landmark event only left DeKuntz withdrawn and depressed, since at 48, the planner is growing increasingly mournful that the “love of his life” has yet to appear.

“Always a bride’s fag, never a bride,” huffed a dejected DeKuntz while smoking a Virginia Slim outside his favorite coffee haunt. “You’d think between Toledo and Detroit there’d be some butch to sweep this old queen off his feet, but for the past few years it’s been an endless sea of techno clubs and Zima.”

DeKuntz has reportedly attempted to meet single gay men at some of the weddings he produces, but that such exchanges have been fleeting at best.

“There was one busboy back in ’03—Pablo, he called himself,” DeKuntz beamed with a wry grin. “I suppose ‘called himself’ is a bit of an overstatement, though, since all he said was ‘me Pablo, you cock.’ Next thing I knew, we were 69-ing in the back seat of a Caprice while the bride and groom cut the cake. Mercy!”

"Pablo," resplendent in chipotle, cilantro, and busboy chic

And while he has not completely surrendered to a resigned solitude, DeKuntz feels that his chance for true romance withers with the setting sun of each passing day.

“Time was when an encounter at a bus station glory hole would cheer me up for weeks,” DeKuntz reflected while dabbing his eyes with a freshly starched handkerchief. “But now, not even a midnight handjob from a bi-curious 14-year-old in the men's room of the shelter house at Swan Creek Park can brighten my spirits.”

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