Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Jon Hewitt, who recently began work at a local branch of a Big 8 accounting firm, says that he has been "overwhelmed" by coworkers asking him if he used to play basketball.

"Yes, I am black, and no, I cannot slam dunk," said Hewitt. "I can't believe these people; I'm only 6' 1", for chrissakes. I can barely touch the rim."

Hewitt, who just graduated from UT with a double major in accounting and finance, said that even company officers ask him about hoops.

"This one VP stopped in the middle of a department meeting and began to pretend like he was driving in the lane," he said, adding that he hasn't played the game since 4th grade gym. "He started this: "You got game, motherfucker?" crap, and wouldn't let up until I elbowed him."

Hewitt said that he hopes the novelty of a black accountant will soon pass.

"I'd hate to leave this place because the money is good and there are advancement opportunities here," he said. "But the next SOB who comes up and tries to do a skyhook over me when I am next to a trash can is going to get an ass-kicking."

Negro being tazed

(Toledo, OH) Amid struggling ratings in a crowded media market, Toledo FOX affiliate WUPW-36 unveiled a locally-produced reality program that executives believe will provide a boost to the station's limited number of viewers.

Negroes Getting Tazed follows themes successfully developed in national programs like COPS, Most Extreme Videos, and America's Most Wanted.

"Quite frankly, viewers really enjoy watching people get tasered," said WUPW station manager Frank Oberlin. "And what they enjoy most of all is Negroes being tasered. Full jolt."

Oberlin denied that the station's decision to focus on African American taser recipients was racially motivated.

"Our focus groups showed an overwhelming preference for black taserings," he said, pointing to a spreadsheet. "Even other African Americans seemed to prefer Negroes being tazed over any other group, excepting Uzbekistanis, but we can't seem to find enough tazed Uzbekistanis to make one episode, let alone a series."

Local NAACP representative Franklin Moore expressed "conflicted feelings" about the focus of the program.

"Look: as a black man, I find racial profiling to be reprehensible and disturbing, especially in the 21st century," he noted. "Still, when those Toledo cops tazed that dreadlocked idiot with his ass hanging out of his pants, I couldn't help but chuckle. I mean, did you see the video of that young man twitch and dance when he got hit with the 300-volt prongs? That shit was funnier than a candy bar floating in the public swimming pool."

Labels: Negroes, taser, tazed

Guest editorial by Will Gerharding, frustrated searcher

I've been staring at this stupid Where's Waldo game off and on for over a year now, and for the life of me I can't find this skinny little prick. I swear to God: I will hunt down this stripey bastard, and I will take a fucking aluminum softball bat to his hidey-hidey self.

Part of my problem is that I am color-blind, so I'm already at a disadvantage here. Waldo knows this, and he must be figuring that his red shirt looks like every other light-gray hue on the board. Yes, Mr. Waldo is a sneaky son-of-a-bitch, and he's probably guessed that I'm nearsighted, too.

He's fucking-A right, that's what he is.

Left: Waldo's days are numbered

So this is personal to me, this embarrassing "game" of tormenting old Bad-Eyes Billy that Waldo is playing. The way I figure, the shifty bastard is moving around when I look away, hiding in spots I already checked out with my magnifying glass.

But will let you in on a secret: Waldo can't hide forever.

Whn I get my hands on Waldo, I'm going to make this fucker pay. I'll cut off his fingers one-by-one and make him eat them. Then I'm going to choke him with his stripey shirt while I gouge out his eyeballs, after which I'm going to socket-fuck him while he screams in agony.

Yes, the day of vengeance will arrive soon, my friend - just wait.

Labels: Where's Waldo