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Finkbeiner Hitches A Ride To DC

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: The Mayor and his wife, Amy

(Washington, DC) Mayor Finkbeiner will travel with COSI Toledo repsresentatives today to the capitol to receive a "2005 National Award for Museum and Library Service" from the Institute of Museum and Library Services.

"It will be a great honor to tag along with these folks, especially since I have not had anything to so with COSI in over four years," he smiled. "What a lucky break - three weeks in office and I'm meeting the President."

COSI is one of six facilities that will take part in an award ceremony presided over by First Lady Laura Bush in the White House's East Room. Finkbeiner said that he was "excited" to make the trip.

"I had planned to spend this week pretending to be busy with economic development," he said. "This gets me out of the office for a couple of days, and I'll probably be able to get a really neat photo to hang on my wall."

Annual losses of $350,000 prompted COSI board members to push for a 1/8 mill levy on the November ballot. Finkbeiner said that the funding troubles should be the least of anyone's concerns.

"I am the master of throwing money around, and I am sure that my team will be able to find some cash to stall the closing of COSI until the next mayor takes office," he said. "It's a helluva lot easier to stick some other sucker with actually fixing the problem."


Expose: WSPD's Wilson Often Not Even On Air

Left: Digital assistant often fills in for bass-fishing afficianado Brian Wilson

(Toledo, OH) A three-week investigation by Toledo Tales provides the backdrop to the latest in the saga of a declining radio station. Confirming the suspicions of the 12 remaining WSPD listeners, afternoon host Brian Wilson often steps out for two or more hours during his broadcast to fish in the Maumee.

"Well, you caught me," said a sheepish Wilson, placing a few fish in his bucket. "I figured nobody would notice."

Filling in for Wilson during his afternnon river jaunts has been the 360 Systems Shortcut Editor 2000, a digital recorder that uses hard disk technology to offer a comprehensive, portable editing workstation.

"We figured out pretty quick that, given the fact that most of the WSPD listeners began to doze within 60 seconds of me going on air, we could just pipe in the rest," said Wilson, scaling a river carp. "We have programmed it to say a few key words over and over, like "bass fishing," "Libertarian," and "flat tax" to keep the listeners in a stupor."

Toledo Tales videotaped Wilson for 90 minutes last Thursday casting a half-dozen lines into the Maumee. Wilson did not seem to feel the public is being deceived.

"If your wife was in a coma, would it be OK for you to step out of her room and have a cheeseburger? I think so," he said, putting stashing his gear in the trunk of his Oldsmobile. "I think the analogy applies. Besides, it's not like we have to worry much about giving the advertisers their money's worth, since they are all running from the station faster than R Kelley at a Girl Scout camp."


WSPD'S Wilson Slams Blogs, Anything Invented After 1960

(Toledo, OH) In an interview with Toledo Tales, WSPD program director and afternoon talk show host Brian Wilson took aim at a number of modern innovations.

"As far as I am concerned, communications peaked with Art Linkletter and Ted Mack, and has gone downhill ever since, " said Wilson, polishing a fishing pole. "These blogs are populated by Kool-Aid drinkers, mouth-breathers, has-beens, never-will-be people and so on. Just the sort of person who would never make it on the Art Linkletter show."

Wilson said that the whole "Internet thingee" has been overhyped.

"What the hell is wrong with a good, old-fashioned letter and envelope?" he asked, adding a bass lure to his line. "So what if it takes three days? You could be out fishing while you are waiting for the reply."

Wilson believes that technological innovation is "a passing fad."

"They said that the microwave oven would eliminate the stove, but we still have both," he said, taking a sip from his can of Ensure. "This satellite radio? A fad. In another ten years we will go back to the basics - print newspapers and AM radio. Just you watch. Say, there, young fellow - what were we just talking about?"


WSPD To Switch From Arbitron To New 'Hand Count' System

(Toledo, OH) In the midst of falling ratings, management of talk radio station WSPD has elected to move from the traditional Arbitron ratings service to a new system.

The technique, known as "Hands Up For Speedy," will be a benefit to the station in many ways, said Clear Channel regional VP Andy Stuart.

"First off, an Arbitron subscription costs money, and with advertisers fleeing from the station, we ain't got da green," said Stuart. "Secondly, now that our audience numbers have been dropping, we figured it would be easier to send a few staffers out to just count the listeners. It shouldn't take very long."

Thecontroevrsy seems to center around the arrival of new program director and afternoon host Brian Wilson, whose drowsy, mumbling on-air personna sends most listeneres into a deep sleep.

Attempts to wake Wilson show audience members for comment were unsuccessful.

Stuart believes the new lineup will ultimately triumph.

"Look - these fuckers can't stay in a coma forever," he said. "Eventually Brian's going to say something that will actually get a response out of people."

Wilson spoke to Toledo Tales during a commercial break yesterday.

"My move to WSPD has given me the opportunity to work on my bass fishing," he said, casting a line out of the studio window overlooking the Maumee. "I haven't caught any yet, but what the hell else am I supposed to do? This place has turned into a morgue. Oh yeah - I am pretty pumped about the idea that Bass Pro might go into the Marina District. Did I ever mention that I love bass fishing?"


WSPD's Brian Wilson Angers All 12 Of His Remaining Listeners

(Toledo, OH) WSPD afternoon personality Brian Wilson, whose soporific on-air manner generally forces listeners to nod off, recently angered his twelve remaining listeners by refusing to talk about bass fishing for the rest of the day.

"God dammit - there's more to life than bass fishing!" Wilson snapped at a caller named Elmer. "There's...walleye fishing, squirrel hunting, and pheasant flushing, too!"

Wilson, whose arrival at WSPD coincided with the demotion of popular morning host Bob Frantz, dismissed concerns about plummeting ratings.

"I wasn't brought here to improve Arbitron numbers, and I get paid the same no matter what," he said. "My job is to be as dull, lifeless, and non-controversial as possible to cool off the area power brokers who were pissed about Frantz and complained to the FCC. All I have to do is babysit this place for a few months until things settle down."

Interviewed by Toledo Tales, the caller known as Elmer expressed unhappiness with the new direction Wilson was taking.

"Bass fishing is my life, and I thought me and Brian had a good thing going," he said, staring at his shoes. "Then I find out that traitor not only hunts, but is a fly fisherman. You just can't trust anyone whose bait is floating on the water, if you know what I mean."


Subcomandante Bob To Pen Autobiography

(Toledo, OH) Based on the success of the bestselling A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, enigmatic e-zine editor Subcomandante Bob figured the market was ready for another tell-all tale of debauchery, debasement, and doltishness.

Entitled One Hundred Steaming Chunks, the book captures the essence of the zeitgeist that is the world of Subcomandante Bob, according to the author.

"I really nail myself," said Bob, autographing copies in expectation that people will soon buy the book. "I finally figure out the real me by chapter two, and then the book soars."

Like Frey, Bob has led a life dedicated to self-destruction. Unlike Frey, though, Bob believes he has no problems with authenticity.

"Every night spent face down on the front lawn is there," he said. "I pretty much capture every speed-fueled frenzy, every endless hangover, and every wasted opportunity. Also, I have had a remarkable ability to manage to avoid arrests in twenty years of hard drinking, so there's no chase scenes or any of that."

One Hundred Steaming Chunks also lacks the inspirational messages of A Million Little Pieces .

"Yeah, it's pretty much just 200 pages of idiocy," admitted Bob. "Still, if cable shows like "Viva La Bam" can manage to stay on the air, there must be a market for this kind of pointless crap."

Dining Condiment Offerings Questioned At UT

(Toledo, OH) UT students gathered outside the Student Union last week to protest the condiment policies of AVI Dining Services.

“Look here,” said junior Martin Meriwether. “There are 42 tables in this cafeteria, but only 37 salt shakers and 11 pepper shakers. How the hell you going to eat scrambled eggs without salt and pepper?”

Meriwether also noted that the black pepper was in shorter supply on campus than the white salt.

"What does this mean?" he asked. "I leave it to you to figure it out, but it sure is suspicious to me."

Another student, Jessica Johnson, complained about the lack of condiment alternatives.

“There’s like, no ranch dressing for the French fries,” she said. “I mean, come on, everyone dips their fries in ranch. Duh!”

AVI spokesperson Karen Underwood downplayed the allegations.

“You know the little bastards just steal it for their dorms,” she said. “If you want more condiments, they should bring back all the shit they stole from the cafeteria."


Area Thugs Welcome New Finkbeiner Initiative

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner promised to kick off his "Get Fit Toledo" program soon, including a proposed path from the suburbs to downtown.

The program would incorporate weekly neighborhood walks to promote fitness and also to encourage communication between residents and community leaders. Area criminals applauded the move.

"Anything that gets more people on the streets is good for the robbery business," said "Krumpin' G," an economist for a local Bloods faction. "Our revenue stream tanked with the first snowfall, and projections remain weak through the first quarter until things warm up."

Finkbeiner said he plans a walking/biking path extending from the Anthony Wayne Trail at South Detroit Avenue to downtown.

"That would provide us with our ideal demographics," said Krumpin' G. "We could count on an increased number of suburban targets with higher incomes. Jacking the same central city victims over and over gets counterproductive, and the law of diminishing returns comes into play."

The mayor said that his "Walk the Neighborhood Program" would include religious leaders, community leaders, youth leaders, councilmen, and even the mayor himself.

"Sounds like a great way to boost the local underground economy," said Krumpin' G. "With all of those high rollers marching down the Trail, this may represent a real paradigm shift in the dynamics of local thug: victim ratios. Oh yeah, and when da hoo rider marks start they high-sidin' we be right there to stay their outta bounds asses for all they gots."


Ford Grabs Axe, Unveils Restructured Company

(Detroit, MI) Ford Motor Company, the second-largest US automaker, today announced plans to eliminate jobs and close plants in North America as it tries to stem losses at its largest automotive unit.

"Taking the lead from DaimlerChrysler, we plan to outsource every possible chunk of our production," said Chief Executive Officer William Clay Ford Jr. "We think we can chop employment down to about 50 people."

Ford is counting on the job reductions, the most extensive since the first reorganization in 2002, to help reinvigorate the company's North American auto unit following losses in four out of the last five quarters.

"The bottom line is that Wall Street wants us lean, mean, and pension-free," Ford said. "Most of these fuckers just sit around the plant and waste time anyhow - maybe hitting the streets to look for a job might halp them lower their cholesterol."

Ford is calling its restructuring plan the "Way Forward."

"Look - the old way, which was hiring people and contributing to local tax bases and economies, just wasn't working out," he said. "It's time for Americans to realize that we just don't build things any more. That's for smelly third-world types."


FirstEnergy Officer Laughs Off $28 Million Fine

(Toledo, OH) Acknowledging that its employees covered up reactor head corrosion at a nuclear power plant, FirstEnergy has agreed to pay $28 million in fines, restitution and community service projects, the US Justice Department announced Friday.

Chief operating officer Richard R. Grigg scoffed at the fine.

"Hey man - we have a market cap of almost 17 billion," he laughed. "This will be about a $.04 drop in ividends to shareholders, and less than 1% drop in 2006 profits. Whoop-tee-fucking-doo!"

Other FirstEnergy officers were equally candid.

"We have learned much from this experience," said Gary Leidich, president of the company's nuclear operations. "But what we mostly learned is that the Justice Department is a toothless tiger that can be bought off like a cheap whore."

Investors seemed equally nonplussed at the news, with FirstEnergy shares falling $.69, or 1.34%. William Franfort, and analyst with Lehman Brothers, said that the fine was "just a cost of doing business."

"Hell, WorldCom got spanked with $750 million by bthe SEC in 2003," he chuckled. "I'm surprised FirstEnergy's stock didn't rise, seeing as how they got off so lightly."

Grigg said that FirstEnergy has a lot of work ahead of it in 206.

"Most of the corporate officers are getting our suits tailored for bigger pockets," he said. "We are puling in so much goddamn cash that we are running out of places to put it all. Hey - can I borrow that briefcase, pal?"


Gas Price Spikes Hurt Area Hookers

(Toledo, OH) The recent spikes in gas prices have adversely affected an unlikely group of people - Toledo's streetwalkers.

One local hooker, "Candy," expressed her unhappiness with the rise in gas prices.

"Yeah, so I was going down on this dude in his car the other day, and all of a sudden he turns off the heat," she said, touching up her lipstick. "I'm like, 'what the f**k, it's 20 degrees out there!' Cheap bastard wanted to save gas."

Candy also described the effects that reduced income had on her clientele.

"This one regular named Jimmy shows up on his kid's ten-speed and wants me to get on the handlebars," she said. "What a f***ing moron."

The veteran hooker said that business negotiations have also been impacted.

"This one dude is like, 'all I got is fifteen bucks,'" she said. "He said he spent it all at the gas station. I told him to go buy himself a bottle of hand lotion and f**k himself."


Apathetic Store Clerk Annoyed By Customers

(Toledo, OH) Life in retail is taking its toll on Melissa Gordon, a clerk at Westfield Franklin Park's Marshall Field's.

"I can't have a conversation with anyone without some idiot walking in here wanting service," said Gordon. "They can see I am on my cellphone, but they'll walk right up and start yapping, even when I try to shoo them off. One of these dimwits actually followed me into the stockroom last week when I tried to ditch her. God!"

Gordon believes that she is some sort of "loser magnet."

"I swear to God these helpless morons have some sort of homing devices that lead them to me," she said, putting on a fresh coat of nail protector. "Do I have the words "Information Desk" on my forehead or something? Fuck, here comes another one."

Gordon said the low pay has something to do with her poor outlook, but is not the only factor for her malaise.

"The clothing is boring, my coworkers are backstabbing bitches, and the managers are fucking Nazis," she said. "Anything else, asshole?"


Subcomandante Bob To Convert To Judaism

(Toledo, OH) Citing a "spitirual awakening" and an "unhealthy desire to rile up Nazis," enigmatic e-zine editor Subcomandante Bob announced that he will convert to Judaism.

"Yeah, I used to really dig Charlton Heston as Moses when I was a kid," he said. "Plus that Manischewitz makes a kick-ass, low-buck wine."

Another of the reasons, according to Bob, that Judaism held such appeal to him related to culinary matters.

"I really enjoy a good Gefilte fish," he admitted. "When I was a kid I used to sneak into the basement of the local synagogue, don a yarmulka, and pig out on that stuff."

One of the most important factors in conversion, though, was political.

"I want to join that Zionist-Occupied Governemnt (ZOG) I here so much about," said the Subcomandante. "It seems like those fellows have a really good deal going, and I want to get in on some of that tyrannical action."


Hunters Mistake Man For Coyote

(Van Wert, OH) A Van Wert man hunting coyotes in a field was shot to death Sunday by another hunter who confused him for one of the animals, authorities confirmed yesterday.

Trevor Ellerbrock, 27, died in Van Wert County Hospital after being shot once in the abdomen. Authorities said the resemblance between Ellerbrook and a typical coyote was "striking."

"He was out there howling at the full moon and gnawing on the thigh bone of a freshly-killed sheep," said Sheriff Stan Owens. "From 50 yards, who can blame the hunter for thinking he was bagging a coyote?"

Ellerbrook was shot by Troy Clark, also of Van Wert. Clark said that the creature "grinned" before making a lunge toward him.

"Creepiest thing I ever seen," said Clark. "I got the impression that...that THING was going to rip my throat out."


Mayor Wonders About Bulky Object On Desk

(Toledo, OH) Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, surveying the office he left four years ago, noticed an electronic device on the desk that Jack Ford left behind.

"It kind of looks like a TV, but I can't seem to get any episodes of 'The Golden Girls' on it," he said, scratching his head. "That's a really funny show about these sassy old gals and their crazy hijinks."

Finkbeiner noted the presence of appendages to the TV-like device.

"There's this flat plastic thingy that looks kind of like a typewriter, and a big box that everything is connected to," he said. "It looks like something from that 'Close Encounters' movie I liked so much."

Attempts to contact Finkbeiner by email were unsuccessful; an autoresponse from the city's server indicated that there was "no such user" on the 22nd Floor.

Finkbeiner said that he will contact Ford's people about the device.

"Hey - it's been two weeks - he needs to get his stuff out of here," he said. "What the heck am I going to do with something like this?"


TARTA To Offer Pay-Per-View "Bus Stop Stomp" Programming

(Toledo, OH) The Toledo Area Metropolitan Transportation Authority (TARTA) announced yesterday that it will begin to offer special pay-per-view showings of fights as they break out at selected stops.

The events will be entitled "Bus Stop Stomp," after the recent mêlée on Jackson Street.

"We believe that we will be able to cash in on an emerging entertainment trend, while paying for new video monitors at the bus stops," said board president James Bohn. "Plus, given the popularity of pay-per-view wrestling and boxing events, we knew we had a sure-fire winner."

TARTA serves nine communities and carries almost 5 million passengers each year. Bohn believes that the system has a captive audience.

"I mean really - what the hell else are they going to do on the bus?" he asked. "Once a fight breaks out, I am sure we can get half the bus to pony up the $2 we are charging for viewing the Stomp."

Bohn believes that his agency is prepared for lulls in between fights.

"Oh yeah - we thought about that," he said. "We are paying unsuspecting interns to wear blue or red sweatsuits in select areas to stir up trouble. I have no doubt that we will be able to spark enough beatdowns to give people a good mix of fisticuffs, ass-whoopings, and head-kickings."


Resnick To Retire, Drink 24/7

Left: Resnick with unidentified liquid on bench

Ohio Supreme Court Justice Alice Robie Resnick confirmed that she will retire at the end of this year after more than 30 years' service as a judge.

"It is with a combination of pleasure and sadness that I announce my decision not to seek a fourth term on the Supreme Court of Ohio," said Resnick in a statement yesterday. "The fact is that these long drives from Ottawa Hill to Columbus really cut into my drinking time."

The justice, who led state police on a drunken, low-speed chase on I-75 last January, denied that her legal problems conributed to her decision. She registered a 0.216 percent blood alcohol level on a field Breathalyzer test.

"Hey - I've been half in the bag every day for the last 35 years, and racked up only a handful of drinking-related charges," she said. "I just want to spend my days sucking down martinis and watching reruns of 'The OC' on FOX."

Police video shown repeatedly on TV and the Internet showed Resnick protesting over being pulled over and repeatedly asking officers to allow her to leave.

"You know, it's really all about just getting a good buzz and maintaining it," she said, dropping two blue cheese-stuffed olives into a glass. "Is that so wrong?"


Local Man Tired Of Being Asked For Dancing Tips

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Jon Hewitt, who recently began work at a local branch of a Big 8 accounting firm, says that he has been "beseiged" by coworkers asking him for advice on dancing.

"Yes, I am black, and no, I cannot dance," said Hewitt. "I can't believe these people; one woman came up to me and started quoting lines from 'Save The Last Dance,' thinking I was going to bust into some jive-ass impromptu soft-shoe routine."

Hewitt, who just graduated from UT with a double major in accounting and finance, said that even administrators ask him about dancing.

"This one VP stopped in the middle of a presentation and began to gyrate around the room," he said, adding that his favorite musician is Josh Groban. "He started up with this: 'Yo Jon, how's my Krumpin?'"

Hewitt said that he hopes the novelty of a black accountant will soon pass.

"I'd hate to leave this place because the money is good and there are opportunities to get transferred to New York," he said. "But if these people find out I can't even do the Electric Shuffle, it might kill my career."


Szollosi To Try Out New Disguises

(Toledo, OH) City councilman Frank Szollosi, outed by Carty-party operative Don Burnard as the ghostwriter Johnyy Hildo, announced that he will have to don a new persona for the local political column.

"Yeah, it's too bad, but Hildo was kind of a dumb idea anyways," said Szollosi. "I am leaning towards 'Ed Grimley' for the next column."

Burnard, who is also a rep for the local electricians union, said that Szollosi's move will not go unnoticed.

"Give us two, three weeks tops, and we will figure out that 'Ed Grimley' merely took the place of 'Johnyy Hildo,'" he said. "We've got some sharp folks at the local who watch this kind of stuff."

In related news, Teamsters Local 20 boss Bill Lichtenwald denied rumors that he once appeared on Saturday Night Live as Bill Swerski, of "Super Fans" fame.

Left: Teamsters Local 20 boss Bill "The Don" Lichtenwald

Left: "Super Fan" Bill Swerski, world's biggest fan of "Da Bears"


Local Weedman: "Cops Are Bad For Business"

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

(Toledo, OH) According to a local entrepreneur, Toledo Police have been causing disruption to the normal operations of his business.

"Yeah, they have been hassling some of my best customers," said "Piper," a local sales rep. "We don't bother nobody, but they got nothing better to do than f**k with people."

Piper, who has been in the pharmaceutical industry for "as long as I can remember," said that undercover vice squad officers have been posing as customers to try to trip him up.

"You can spot them as soon as they get out of the car," he said. "Still, just having them around scares people away, just like the SEC."

Business is down almost 20 pecent this quarter, said Piper.

"Look, I got shareholders, right? My f***ing P/E ratio has tanked, and now I'm looking at a hostile takeover from some Detroit Avenue crew," he said. "On top of that, try to get a loan only 2 points over prime when they get lucky and sieze an ounce of rock from one of my sellers. My accountant totally freaked after that bust."

Some timely moves in the stock market are the only thing keeping his firm afloat, said Piper.

"We got lucky on some venture capital last month, giving this nobody 10 grand to drive to Mexico for weed," he said, poring over a spreadsheet printout. "But the futures market right now is in a free fall. I swear to God I'm just gonna start delivering pizzas again if the market doesn't improve."


Focus On Education: Mitch Balonek, English Teacher

As a part of our ongoing look at local educators, Toledo Tales recently interviewed Scott High School teacher Mitch Balonek.

(Toledo, OH) From the moment one enters Mitch Balonek's classroom, it is clear that he has quite an interest in his students.

"Who can help me diaphragm this sentence?" he asked the class. "The naked truth is that we have to learn the importance of diaphragms."

Balonek believes teachers must be completely devoted to their students.

"I really like to go the distance with as many students as I can and to penetrate those teenage facades," he said. "It is vitally important that I prepare them for oral exams, because a good education should never take the back seat."

Some of Balonek's students have become quite adept at finding their own mistakes.

"Mr. Balonek, I missed a period," said one female student.

"Whoa - missing a period is a big deal!" said Balonek. "You need to find a way to quickly slip one in there."

Even parents notice Balonek's deep desires for their students.

"He takes quite an interest in our daughter," said one father. "She said he was drilling her just last Saturday. What enthusiasm and dedication!"


Lucas County Celebrates 1,000th Arena Announcement

(Toledo, OH) Commissioner Pete Gerken led the festivities today as the County Commissioners held a party for the 1,000th announcement of a new arena in downtown Toledo.

"We thought we were in trouble last week, when Carty started talking about a new arena on his bus tour," said Gerken, popping open a bottle of champagne. "He didn't actually promise anything, though, so we get to be recognized for number 1,000."

No specific location was named, but the commissioners believe that there are plenty of options for the new arena.

"Hey - what really matters is us getting to be the thousadnth press conference," said commissioner Tina Skeldon-Wozniak. "Many agencies have announced arenas before, but only the commissioners get the big 'M,'" she added, referencing the Roman numeral.

The lack of concrete proposals had at least one commissioner asking questions.

"I hate to be a conduit of bad news, but shouldn't we at least have something concrete before we make an announcement?" asked commissioner Maggie Thurber. "The voters in Lucas County demand at least one of those scale model thingys - they are not stupid."


Man Continues To Be Tormented About Ass Borer

Left: Suspicious device found in the home of a Toledoan

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp, the 34-year old Toledoan who is worried about the arrival of a recent invader, made a discovery last night that completely unnerved him.

"I had these contractors over to do some work on my house, when I discovered...THIS!" he sadi, pointing to a hand-held electric drill. "Is this some kind of sick joke? If so, it's not funny - there are plenty of people worried about the ass borer."

Winthorp, who heard about the ass borer while watching the news in a crowded local pub, said he hopes that the problem gets resolved soon.

"Hey man - this shit has been keeping me up at nights, looking out my window to see if a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits is out there," he said, standing with his hands on his hips. "I can't imagine a more horrifying trauma than running into the ass borer."

Friends of Winthorp continue to keep their friend in the dark.

"The funniest thing is sneaking up behind the asshole and making a "z-z-z-z-z-z" sound like a drill," laughed Brett Durheim of Sylvania. "He squeals like a little girl every time we do that."


Toledo Man Freaked Out Over Ass Borer

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp doesn't consider himself narrow-minded, but the 34-year old Toledoan is worried about the arrival of a recent pest.

"Yeah, that ass borer deal is pretty bizarre," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I mean, the name just says it all, right?"

Winthorp said that he first heard about the problem while drinking at a local pub.

"I couldn't hear what they were saying on the TV, so my friend Tino told me about the borer," he said. "Is there anything worse than a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits?"

Most shocking, said Winthorp, was the idea that victims never know what hit them.

"One minute your having a beer with the guys, and the next you are face down in a musty cellar being drilled by some freak," he said, unconsciously crossing his legs. "I can't imagine a worse way to go than getting reamed by the ass borer."

Winthorp's friends took delight in playing off the worried man's fears.

"What a f**king idiot," said Tino Herrick, a longtime drinking buddy of Winthorp's. "I can't believe he still hasn't figured it out."


Opal Covey: Finkbeiner Heart Trouble "Wrath Of God"

(Toledo, OH) Opal Covey, former mayoral candidate and self-proclaimed Prophetess, suggested in an interview with Toledo Tales that Mayor Caty Finkbeiner's recent heart surgery is directly related to land giveaways for the DaimlerChrysler Jeep plant on Stickney Avenue.

"He was dividing God's land," Covey told the Tales. "I would say, 'Woe unto any mayor of Toledo who takes a similar course to appease the shareholders of a major corporation doing business with the city."

Covey said that God revealed the strategy to her during a recent vision.

"God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,'" she said. "Sure, it was mostly rundown houses and auto repair businesses, but it was still His land, and He is, indeed, pissed."

In 2004, Finkbeiner underwent quadruple bypass surgery at the Cleveland Clinic for arterial blockage. Covey said that the condition was not coincidental.

"Carty bypassed the homeowners and the Lord, so it's no surprise he needed a bypass," she said. "I think we need to look at the Bible and the Book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.'"


Worried Toledo Man Collects Charcoal For Miner Families

(Toledo, OH) Carl Hillebrand was devastated by the images of the Sago families grieving over the loss of loved ones in the mining disaster, and he vowed to make a difference.

"Hey man - it's winter in West Virginia, too," he said while pushing a wheelbarrow. "I thought to myself: 'What the hell are those poor folks gonna do without coal?' and then I knew what I had to do."

Hillebrand decided to start a charcoal drive to help the freezing West Virginians.

"We don't have much coal around here, except for the three truckloads I stole from the Edison plant," he said. "I figured charcoal was the next best alternative, especially Kingsford, the original charcoal briquets. They light faster and burn longer, compared to other national charcoal brands."

The backyard of the Hillebrand house is now obscured by a thirty-foot mountain of charcoal. Hillebrand's wife Gail, however, did not share the same level of enthusiasm for her husband's philanthropy.

"I swear to God if Carl doesn't get that shit out of here by the end of the month I am going to take a flamethrower to it," she said. "What the fuck was he thinking? It's not like those people in West Virginia are living in the Stone Age or something. Aren't most of them living in trailer parks?"

Hillebrand remined resolute.

"No miner family is going to freeze while Carl Hillebrand can still breathe," he vowed. "Now I just gotta figure how to get this stuff over there. Hey - can I borrow your truck?"


Deportation Nightmare Strikes Toledo Family

Left: Flippy and the Wilmingtons in happier days

(Toledo, OH) The Wilmington family on Knapp Street faces one of its biggest challenges ever, as a cherished family member is being forcibly deported.

Due to recent incontinence issues, Flippy the dog is being permanently relocated to exterior quarters, said immigration authority spokesman John Wilmington.

"That damn dog has pissed on the carpet for the last time," he muttered, leading the chocolate lab outside.

Family member Jeremy Wilmington expressed unhappiness with the immigration decision.

"Flippy never bothered anyone!" he exclaimed. "Flippy will miss us if he has to stay outside!"

Assistant immigration director Barb Wilmington expressed regret, but said the agency had no other options.

"Look, Flippy knew what the residency conditions were, and he chose not to follow them," she said. "We had no choice but to deport him."

Jeremy, Ashley, and Tricia Wilmington plan to hold a vigil for the beleaguered Flippy, which will consist of midnight deliveries of smuggled Milkbones until the immigration issues are settled.


Heavens Open As Carty Finkbeiner Returns

(Toledo, OH) Rapturous music and heavenly host accompanied the second coming of Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who defeated incumbent Jack Ford in the November election.

Finkbeiner, resurrected from the political graveyard, was carried on a berm to One Government Center by cherubim and seraphim.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Carty art with me," said one adoring Toledo resident. "Surely goodness, mercy, and an industrial job shall follow me all the days of my life."

Finkbeiner carried the city with over 62% of the vote, and in the process produced another surprise.

"Carty has never pulled more than 51% of the vote in a mayoral election," said a local political pundit. "This is nothing short of miraculous."

On passing a paralyzed supporter, Finkbeiner touched the withered legs of the young man, who rose up out of his wheelchair.

"These...are the first steps I have taken in twenty years," said Todd Flemming of Toledo. "We are not worthy!"

Left: An unhappy Helga Smithers

On an inaugurasl trip through Woodlawn Cemetery, Finkbeiner raised a number of interred remains back to life. One recipient of Carty's raising of the dead, however, was less than enthusiastic.

"Look at me - just look at me; I look awful," said Helga Smithers, who died in 1991. "What good is it to come back if I look like a piece of beef jerky?"

Finbeiner walked to the edge of the Ottawa River and raised his hands. The waters of the Ottawa suddenly parted, exposing three old tires and a rusty stove. Finkbeiner paused from his miracle-working to address his detractors.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!" he shouted. "You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."


Toledoan Angry About Quality And Availability Of Weed

(Toledo, OH) 2005 was a difficult year for Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski, as he lost seven jobs, got dumped by four girlfriends, and had three engines sieze up in the past 12 months.

What really irks the Toledo native, though, is the dope situation in Toledo.

"It pretty much has sucked ass in terms of herb all year long," said Jazubowski, scrounging for previously-overlooked weed flakes on his car's front seat. "When there is shit available, it has sucked, and when there is no shit available, well, that really sucks."

Jazubowski also decried the decline in reputable dealers.

"Between major busts by the cops and the overall low supplies, a lot of my good sources have disappeared," he said, tossing a few specks of weed in a blunt. "The lowlifes that are left have been cutting the ganja with all sorts of nasty stuff, like philodendron leaves and dried cabbage. It's been months since any Culican or Hawaiian found its way around here."

The pot afficianado hopes that 2006 portends an improvement in matters marijuanal.

"Yeah, the doobage scene definitely needs to get better in Toledo," he said, adding that he was investigating possibilities of bussing tables in Boca Raton, FL. "I sure as hell don't want to see another year spent smoking ditchweed."


Local Woman Engages In Diplomatic Mission

(Toledo, OH) Mildred Barringsly, an East Streicher woman noted for a neatly-manicured lawn and low tolerance for neighborhood children, took part in what she called "shuttle diplomacy" last week.

"I had hoped that I could get through to these local hoodlums on the importance of respecting property rights," she said. "I think that citizens have an obligation to reach out to the next generation."

Barringsly's goal: an end to the bitter conflict that has enveloped this North End community, and specifically a cessation of hostilities.

"It began when I kept one of their footballs that landed on my begonias," she said, showing Toledo Tales the confiscated pigskin. "The little bastards retaliated by egging my house."

Barringsly said that her initial overtures of negotiation were rebuffed, but that she will continue to keep topen the doors of diplomatic solutions.

"The mother of three of the miscreants told me to quote: 'get the fuck off my porch' unquote," she said. "Despite my rude welcome, I managed to stick to my talking points."

East Strecher hooligans Mandy (10) and Jason (8) Pinner remained committed to military options.

"That cranky old skanky better give give us back our stuff," said Mandy. "If she doesn't, we have been saving up some stinky presents for her from our dog, Pockets."


Toledo Blade Crashes Noe New Year's Eve Bash

By JJ, Toledo Tales staff writer

(Tavernier, FL) In its ongoing coverage of Tom Noe's holiday festivities, the Toledo Blade contacted sources who attended Tom Noe's New Year's party at his home in the Florida Keys.

"It was a blast," one source recounted, "Tom did magic tricks. He is quite good at the disappearing coin trick."

Another source added that Noe was quite the party host.

"Tom was the life of the party," he said. "He was was walking around with a magnifying glass and appraising the guest's spare change. Heck, I didn't know that the old penny in my purse was worth $10.00."

Things got ugly when one guest, a man suspected by Noe to be a spy from the Toledo Blade, said to Tom "a penny for your thoughts."

"Get out you stupid motherfucker," roared Noe to the surprise of party guests. "I know that John Robinson Block sent you here. Go back to Pittsburgh and tell him to go fuck himself."

After the rude guest was escorted out, the party resumed.

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