.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Trick-or-Treaters Serve as Reminder of Couple’s Infertility

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

The Fitzhughs blame each other, God for their broken biology

Toledo natives Sam and Rita Fitzhugh have tried every conceivable option to increase their likelihood of having children during their seven years of marriage, all to no avail.

And while the pain and guilt of a barren nest “subsides a little each day,” the Fitzhughs seem to grow contemptuous every Halloween, when a seemingly endless parade of healthy, normal children arrive on their doorstep begging for candy.

“Some years Rita just starts drinking at noon,” Mr. Fitzhugh revealed while slowly sipping a mug of steaming Irish tea. “Each ghoul and ghost that graces our stoop is a blatant reminder of our sterility. Jesus—what did we do to deserve this?”

Not surprisingly, Mrs. Fitzhugh found the issue even more difficult to discuss.

“Snickers bars, M&M’s, the occasional Reese’s pieces. This is all I can offer the world now,” Mrs. Fitzhugh slurred during an exclusive phone interview on her lunch break. “My womb is like the jack-o-lantern: its flame has expired with the night wind."


Local Woman Still Sad Over Spiking of ABC's "One Ocean View"

Very depressed Toledo woman (Toledo, OH) Krista Reinhardt "really enjoyed" the first two installments of ABC's summer reality show One Ocean View.

"It was like I instantly bonded with Anelka, Heather, and Lauren," she said, head in hands. "I'll never forget them, either. Why did the network cancel such a great show?"

The short-lived series - which lasted just two episodes - followed the lives of eleven single New Yorkers looking for romance on Fire Island. Reinhardt discussed the reasons why she became attached so quickly to the characters.

"This show was about people old enough to have real jobs, issues and baggage, but still young enough to leave all that behind and have a great time - just like me," she said. "But just when you get hooked, they kill the show. What gives?"

Cast of ABC's One Ocean View Left: The cast that touched the lives of so many

One Ocean View was dropped from ABC's summer schedule after attracting only 2.74 million viewers on Aug. 7, making it ABC's least-watched show for that week. Reinhardt believes that there was "some sort of conspiracy" to get the show cancelled.

"I'll bet that shifty-looking Usman was behind it," she said of the contestant with Pakistani heritage. "He might have been a handsome Wall Street lawyer and all that, but you know how those Middle Eastern types are, always looking to scam you or get you to buy some useless trinkets. If he was here right now I would punch him in the eyeball."


Toledo Man’s Newfound Sobriety Leaves Friends Grief-Stricken

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Lloyd: Sober, spiritual, and lame as shit

(Ottawa Hills, OH) Until recently, Brandon Lloyd, 27, was the most popular guy in Ottawa Hills, known for his outrageous antics and insatiable appetite for loose women and booze. Sadly, all of this changed in August when Lloyd rededicated his life to faith and sobriety, leaving his friends ravaged by the pain of his loss.

“Lloyd was a goddamn animal, straight up,” remarked a visibly-shaken George Howard, a close friend and former roommate. “He was the guy who made everyone take one last shot at 3:37 a.m., when the whole party was about to collectively puke its brains out. He was the guy who bagged a fatty just so he could joke about it the next day. He was my fucking hero, man. And now he’s gone.”

Vicky Goldman, a former love interest and confidant of Lloyd’s, echoed these sentiments.

“Brandon was about one thing: passion,” croaked a particularly mournful Goldman after a long nip from her pocket flask. “It didn’t even matter what it was, either. Friends. Family. Beer Pong. Eating me out in a ladies’ room stall at the Kroger on Monroe Street. That man was all heart, and now he’s broken mine.”

Left: The party continues on, but it has lost its spark

For his part, Lloyd fails to understand why his friends have taken his new direction in life as a fate worse than death.

“I tried calling those guys for weeks, man, but no one returned my messages,” explained an exasperated but nonetheless energetic Lloyd. “I told them for months I needed to get back to Christ and stop acting like a teenager, but now they’re acting like…like I died in a car crash or something. I heard they even held a wake for me over at George’s house. I pray they all grow up some day.”


Toledo Man Bills Himself as the World’s First Forensic Plumber

Forensic plumberLeft: Opalewski conducting analysis on a forensic case

(Toledo, OH) Rick Opalewski has carved himself out a unique niche in the plumbing industry – he offers his expertise as a forensic plumber to companies and individuals in need of diagnostic and assessment services.

“Sometimes it’s simple jobs, like the dad who called me to determine exactly which kid’s toy clogged up the toilet when it got flushed,” he chuckled. “But other times I get called on tougher forensic cases, real whodunit kind of stuff. Those are the most rewarding personally and professionally for me.”

Among the recent cases Opalewski has worked on involved a marital dispute.

"A woman called me about her husband, who had just finished hooking up an undercounter dishwasher unit," he said. "She insisted that he had screwed something up because there was water leaking under the sink, and he said she was full of bat shit. Turns out the dude didn't properly tighten the drain line to the back of the dishwasher, and - get this - he didn't use pipe tape. All in a day's work, I guess."

Plugged-up toiletLeft: Getting to the bottom of tough backups

Opalewski said that one of his "most unusual" cases was centered in a University of Toledo fraternity house.

"The frat brothers believed that they had isolated the source of a 'major stenchage,' and his name was Josh," he recalled. "We were able to prove that, instead, the sulfurous funkiness actually came from the vent stack, and had nothing to do with the poor diet and excessive beer consumption of Brother Josh."

He paused before continuing.

"It's really about the people, man," he said. "I see my work as bringing folks together, or at least keeping them from braining each other with a pipe wrench."


Debut of Belly Button Piercing Marred by "Navel Funk"

Left: Unimpressed with new piercing

(Toledo, OH) Local body art critics, interviewed by Toledo Tales reporters, panned the unveiling of Tara Fletcher's new navel ring Monday.

"It was a nice looking stone in an expensive setting, but Tara needs to take care of some basic navel maintenance," opined Craig Halpern of Toledo. "When I got closer for a better view, I saw some serious grunge going on down there. One word: 'Ugh.'"

Fellow critic Jenna Barkley agreed with Halpern's assessment.

"She also has some hair growing out of her belly button, plus the beginnings of stretch marks," she chided. "And, if I am not mistaken, there was a distinct aroma of stale cheese emanating from the site of the piercing."

Left: Work still remains to be done on Fletcher's navel project, according to critics

Paul Wisniewski of Sylvania was even more blunt in his criticism of the new body art.

"I hate to say this - really - but there are things happening in Tara's belly button that are flat out wrong," he said, shaking his head in disapproval. "She's all like: 'Oooo- come check out my piercing' and I'm all like: 'Oooo- get the fuck away from me, you filthy beast.' I mean, I'm not judgmental or anything, but I would bet ten bucks that the last time she washed that shit was in 1997. Seriously."


Homeowner Agrees That War Against Leaves " A Lot Like Vietnam"

Left: A frustrated Douglas stratergizes

(Toledo, OH) Local resident Ken Douglas said that he is "reviewing strategy" in his yard after his efforts have failed to halt spiralling atacks from insurgent leaves and sectarian branches.

Asked by Toledo Tales reporters whether he agreed with the statement that the current situation in his yard was "the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive", Douglas thought for a moment before replying.

"That could be right," he said, shaking his head and looking at the wind-blow debris in his yard. "There’s certainly a stepped up level of leafy activity, and we’re heading into an election."

Douglas said that he believes the trees are banking on a decrease in his family's "will to rake."

"My gut tells me that they have all along been trying to inflict enough damage that we’d leave," he said. "And the leaves have made that very clear. They just keep coming and coming - there's no end to them."

Left: Suspected insurgent leaf training camp

Douglas, however, vowed that he and his family "will never cut and run."

"Look, here’s how I view it. They are dangerous. They are lethal. They are trying to not only cover the gound, but they’re also trying to clog the gutters," he said, pointing to his house. "They believe that if they can create enough chaos, we will grow sick and tired of their efforts and give up."

Douglas' wife Toni denied reports that her husband has conceded the fight against the "leaf menace."

"We do not think there has been a flip-over point in the backyard," she said, grabbing a rake. "We are going to continue pursuing victory aggressively."


Local DJ Enjoys Playing Only Half of "Twofer" Songs

A mirthful Orleans waits for your irritated call

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Orleans, overnight and weekend for Toledo's WXKR-94.5, has few bright spots in his job at the album-oriented station.

"There are times when I might go two hours without a call," he mused, queueing up the next track. "So I sometimes have a little fun to stir things up - is that so bad?"

Among the tricks Orleans uses to generate some buzz by listeners is through deliberately playing only one song of what he calls a "twofer," or album tracks that are normally played in continuous sequence, such as Journey's "Feeling That Way/Anytime."

"Yep - playing only Queen's 'We Will Rock You' without following up with 'We Are The Champions' drives 'em absolutely batty," he chuckled. "And you have never heard someone get cheesed like when you only play Boston's 'Foreplay' and skip 'Long Time.' Just when you think every drunk listener is passed out at 3:44 am, pulling a stunt like this will bring in 10 phone calls, easy."

Boston Foreplay/Long TimeGotta play both, brother!

Orleans admitted that he is begining to "enjoy a little too much" the concept of only playing half of a twofer.

"On a recent 'Two-for-Tuesday' segment I deliberately played the Beatles' 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' and 'With A Little Help From My Friends' and counted it as two songs," he chuckled. "Sure enough, I got three calls from people complaining that I owed them another song. It may be a little mean on my part, but I might go fucking nuts if I don't keep this joint lively."


Vehicles of Dashboard Pianist, Air Drummer in Fatal Crash

Automobile crash in ToledoLeft: Both vehicles totaled, two drivers dead in mishap

(Toledo, OH) Toledo police responded to a fatal auto accident involving drivers who, witnesses say, were performing imaginary instruments just prior to the crash.

Killed in the wreck were Josh Gibbons, 24, of Toledo and Patrick Rensslear, 21, of Maumee, and both men were driving the vehicles involved.

"It happened so fast - one second Josh was jamming on the dashboard piano to the Ben Folds song 'Brick,' and the next second we hit this red car," sobbed Jennifer Niles, a passenger in the backseat who escaped without serious injury. "It's such a tragedy, especially to lose someone so young with so much talent."

Rensslear, according to a passenger in his vehicle, had just launched into the frenetic drum work on The Who's "Love Reign O'er Me" when the accident occurred.

"Pat had Keith Moon's moves down perfect - even the high hat," said Owen Fitzhugh from his hospital bed. "It was just after the last chorus, when Roger Daltry is screaming 'LOVE!' I was doing the Pete Townshend guitar windmills, Pat was doing those insane drum rolls, and then 'BAM!' Lights out, man."

Left: Air drummer Rensslear in a 2005 competition

Both men have performed in contests for air instruments. Rensslear won the 2005 Air Drummist Rolloff in Los Angeles, while Gibbons has been a regular participant in the US Air Guitar World Championships, although he never took home a trophy. Fitzhugh said the double tragedy was a "terrible loss" to the area's entertainment scene.

"I grew up worshipping both of these visionary air musicians," he said, looking out the hospital window as tears welled up in his eyes. "These guys could never be replaced, and the Toledo music community will never be the same again."


Woman "Creeped Out" at Strange Food Cooked by Foreign Neighbors

Grossed out woman who has a generous neighborLeft: Kowalski is at an impasse

(Toledo, OH) It has gotten to the point where Brenda Kowalski is beginning to dread a knock at the door.

"Odds are it's that weird neighbor of mine bringing over some bizarre-smelling food," she said, opening the latest tinfoil-wrapped offering. "And half the time I can't figure out what the main ingredients are. I'm afraid to even taste any of that shit."

Kowalski said that the "crud fest" began about three weeks ago.

"I watched her kid for a couple of hours while she took her husband to the emergency room - no big deal," she said, scraping the unknown dish into the trash can. "Now she acts like she owes me her life or something, and drops off at least five fully cooked meals a week. Ugh."

Strange food from neighborLeft: Might be chicken, might be cat, but Kowalski is not taking any chances

The real dilemma, said Kowalski, is that she doesn't want to offend her well-meaning neighbor.

"I mean, she's putting in a lot of hard work. What if she's from one of those places where it's an insult to refuse food?" she mused as she washed the china plate. "But I'll be damned if I'm going to eat something that smells like rancid meatloaf. Plus - how do I know if she even washes her hands?"


Thoughtless Motorist Wants You to Know She Is, Indeed, Special

Left: Schmidt reviewing her cherished status credentials

(Toledo, OH) Notoriously discourteous driver Katy Schmidt confirmed to Toledo Tales reporters what many area motorists have long suspected.

"It really is true - I am special," she giggled. "That gives me the right to turn without using my signals, and to apply makeup in the left turn lane, causing me to be the only one to make the light."

Schmidt said that there are other benefits to attaining "special" status on the road.

"Being special means I never have to let another driver in, because I am way more important than anyone else," she said. "So even if traffic is at a standstill, and you want to pull into traffic from the Kroger parking lot, I have the right to inch up 12 feet to block you in."

Car taking up two parking placesLeft: Priority parking is among the many benefits attached to the designation of "special"

Schmidt said that other drivers need to "back off with the hating."

"I am so tired of jealous little people honking horns or giving me the middle finger," she sighed. "The sooner they learn that some of us are just - well - better than everyone else, the quicker we can all get along."


Toledo Man Declares He Is Area's First "Quintisexual"

Left: Burnham outs his 5-preferenced self

(Toledo, OH) Local bartender Jeremi Burnham, long noted for his adventurous sexual life, called a press conference to announce that he is the area's first openly "quintisexual" person.

"I'm like the Martin Luther King Jr. of sex, because I am equal opportunity for anyone," he chuckled. "Male, female, transgendered, transsexual, or intersexual: if it's got a hole or a pole, I play the role."

Burnham said that he first learned of his quintisexuality at a "crazy-ass party" in college.

"Let's just say that there was a lot of alcohol and some seriously kinky partygoers," he said, smiling coyly. "While writhing around in that mass of flesh I knew that I was only complete when I had, like, a sexual buffet of partner options. And that would be an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yes - I went there."

Quintisexual Jeremi BurnhamLeft: Burnham dressed in a less-deterministic fashion

While the process of coming out has been "liberating" for Burnham, the decision has not been without its drawbacks.

"There's the obvious problem about restroom choices," he admitted. "And quintisexuality poses real problems in a long-term relationship, because I am just as likely to drool over the ass of my partner's brother as I am of his sister. But honestly - this is me, and I wouldn't have me any other way."


Local Drunk Says You Should "Shut Your Shit Up"

Drunk guy (Toledo, OH) Marlon Tavares has a problem with you.

"I see you over there lookin' at me and shit," he said in your direction. "You think you're all bad and shit? Then come right the fuck over, you little whatever. I'll fuck your shit up and shit."

The problem apparently began when you entered his "personal space," which seems to extend about 100 yards in any direction Tavares looks.

"Yeah, you're all big and bad and shit," he added, pausing to take a long pull from his bottle. "But you ain't never messed with someone till you started messin' with me. I'll fuck your shit up and shit."

Tavares added that he has a "piece of vice" for you.

"Here's a piece of vice, m'friend: DON'T-START-NO-SHIT-WITH-ME," he said, punctuating his oratory with a belch. "Just because you think you're bad and shit, don't make you bad and shit. Am I right?'

Pausing to wipe his face on his sleeve, Tavares answered his own rhetorical question.

"You bet your mothernothing ass I'm right and shit," he said menacingly.


Man Sees Image of Former Teen Idol Lance Kerwin in His Lawn

Image of Lance Kerwin in Toledo lawn Left: Apparition in lawn with resemblance to actor Lance Kerwin (click to enlarge)

(Toledo, OH) After cutting his grass over the weekend, local resident Keith Szydlowski noticed what appeared to be a face peering back at him in the neatly-trimmed blades.

"I was totally spooked, at least until I saw that it was Lance Kerwin staring back at me," he laughed. "Then everything was OK."

Kerwin was perhaps best remembered for his starring role in the TV series James at 15, which debuted in 1977. Szydlowski said that he "never missed an episode" of the teen drama.

"Me and James - I mean Lance - we were a team," he reminisced, emptying the grass catcher. "Especially when he nailed that Swedish exchange student - I mean, whoa. That was some serious television, friend."

Left: Kerwin in a 1978 studio photograph

Kerwin, following a 1989 drug bust and a subsequent embracing of Christianity, no longer works as an actor. Szydlowski said that there is "no freaking way" he would try to profit from the strange lawn manifestation.

"Listen- there has to be a reason why this vision appeared to me, his biggest fan," he said, carrying a bag of clippings to the curb. "For me to try and sell this on eBay would be an abomination, man, of everything that Lance stood for. Besides, I can probably make a few bucks selling lemonade and souvenirs once word of this gets out."


Animal Shelter Worker Secretly Glad Poodle Put Down

Left: Marlowe recalling the unwanted guest

(Perrysburg, OH) Loving Paws worker Sheila Marlowe admitted to Toledo Tales reporters that she was "happy as hell" that a 7-year-old poodle mix named "Pepper" had to be put to sleep last week.

"Oh yeah - that dog had the most annoying bark, and bit everyone foolish enough to put a hand near it," she said, recalling the former resident of the animal shelter. "After the third or fourth time it sunk its teeth into my arm, I was ready to beat it like a baby harp seal."

Peppers came to the shelter six weeks ago when a family claimed it was moving to an apartment that did not allow pets, said Marlowe.

"But the fact is that those people lied. Flat-out lied," she said, pausing as she groomed a new arrival. "This mongrel was the most unloveable beast I have ever seen, and it was clear that they dropped off the mutt because they absolutely hated it."

Left: Peppers never quite fit in at Loving Paws

Marlowe said that the decision by staffers to euthanize Peppers was "unanimous."

"Usually there's one or two soft-hearted types who want to give an animal another week," she said. "But we all but threw a party after the vote on this mangy cur. May you rot in hell, you worthless, yapping incubus."

Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?