Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that he is especially proud of his "extra-freaking-long" penis, and that he's "pretty damned sure" that his member is of world-record length.

"Straight up? Chicks sometimes run screaming when they see my package," he noted. "It's like the Japanese running from Godzilla in those monster movies - they are terrified of the size of the beast, but secretly they want to, you know, get up close and touch it."

Baxter said that his "python-like trouser snake" has been with him since birth.

"I have clear memories of the maternity ward nurses coming in and 'giving Mom a break,' as they called it," he remembered. "Then they'd take me into some broom closet and hop onto my five-day-old cock and hump me like crazed orangutans on Viagra, you dig?"

A recent trip to the gas station left Baxter "totally spent and sore."

"All I wanted was $20 worth of premium, but as soon as the cashier saw me, she started begging me for some cock," he recalled. "We went into the mop room and got right to business. In one smooth swift motion, she was straddling my cock with her dripping wet pussy. She drove my cock into her dripping hole as far as it could go. Her pussy was so wet as she pumped my cock for all it was worth. Then she reached around and shoved a fucking broom handle up her ass: me in the front, the broom in the back, and a dozen customers pissed because there was nobody to turn on the pumps. Lucky for her I shot my load in like ten minutes, or the whole city would have come to a crashing halt from a lack of gas. This kind of shit happens to me all the time, dude, on account of my 23-inch dick. More like a curse than a blessing if you ask me."

Guest editorial by Nate Respert,
Connoisseur of imbecilic comedy

I know that we are supposed to be kind and sensitive and nice to people with disabilities and all that, but I just can't help myself. There is one class of disabled people I find really, really funny - so fricking hilarious that I sometimes laugh out loud in their faces.

I'm talking about retards: those happy-faced, drooling feebs who - if they were any more stupid, they'd have to be watered twice a week.

There's even a campaign now to eliminate the R-word, reminding us that we should respect and value people with intellectual disabilities. They even have a pledge you can sign:

I pledge and support the elimination of the derogatory use of the r-word from everyday speech and promote the acceptance and inclusion of people with intellectual disabilities.

But what would life be like if the average schmucks didn't have retards to laugh at? Take me, for example. I dropped out of high school, worked a series of shitty low-wage, dead-end jobs until I finally got hired in a factory that paid more than minimum wage, and then BAM! Plant closes, I'm running out of unemployment eligibility, and our double-wide's about to be foreclosed on.

Laughing at the silly antics of retards is about all I have left, folks. If you take that away from me, I'll start looking at how fucked up my life is, and I'll probably end up putting a loaded shotgun in my mouth and splattering a three-dimensional Jackson Pollack fest all over the paneling in my den.

And I'm sure the retards would rather me laughing than dead, right? Unless you're saying retards are mean-spirited like that - chuckling at tragedy - in which case I'll laugh at the fuckers even more.

Labels: retards