Toledo Tales

Existing meth facility in an east side Toledo location

(Toledo, OH) Efforts to attract more high-tech jobs to Nortwhest Ohio bore some fruit today with the announcement that a local methamphetamine lab is expected to add 20 jobs in Toledo over the next year in a "multi-thousand dollar" manufacturing expansion.

A spokesman for the local methamphetamine cooperative expressed enthusiasm for the new facility's economic impact in Toledo.

"This new meth lab is a perfect example of everything the local government and area leaders are trying to accomplish with their economic development agenda," said "Piper," an area street-level pharmaceuticals operative. "This facility is non-automotive, and we are bringing together leaders in the field of health care and medicine with positive results for the city of Toledo."

Left: Meth manufacturing worker readying new lab for production

The city of Toledo has approved two tax abatement measures for up to 6 years to support the project. The value of the abatements is estimated at $1.2 million, which does not include what Piper termed "ancillary benefits" to municipal officials.

"Let's face it - city officials got to get their ice just like every other meth head," the spokesman chuckled. "But whatever we lose in free dope, we will surely recoup in the six months after the sampleage gets hoovered up."

Piper added that the deal simply "makes mondo sense" for local meth manufacturers.

"Remaining in Toledo allows us to move forward with our plans for a new product lineup, and helps us keep down costs," he said, noting that group was experimenting with cherry-flavored meth and dope delivered in a Pez-like dispenser. "If we're going to remain competitive as a meth producer, we have to limit our expenses, y'all. Staying in Toledo is the best way to do that, and it allows us to give a little sumpin-sumpin back to the community."

A Toledo Tales Guest Editorial
by Father Jon O’Brien

Another election is just about upon us, and it is time for faithful Catholics to engage in some soul-searching as they evaluate candidates for public office. To that end, I remind all Catholics that you are expected to vote along the lines of your faith.

You see, far too often in life we leave our moral consciences behind after Sunday mass, and we live our lives as though the Gospels were something easily tossed away, like a ten-dollar crack whore or a snot-encrusted Kleenex.

So vote for candidates who best represent the moral teachings of the Church. Like that Barack Obama fellow, who is much more pleasing in the eyes of God than his opponent, who I like to call "the Antichrist." Sure, Obama supports abortion, a moral failing if there ever was one, but did you see him driving in the lane in that pick-up basketball game on CNN the other day? Elbows flying, forearms shoving - the dude obviously spent some quality years in CYO leagues.

Unlike John McCain, the Antichrist, who probably wouldn't know a fast break from a triangle offense. He probably thinks Hack-a-Shaq is some Sunni militant group in Iraq, and that pick-and-roll refers to boogers.

Thus, when you go to the voting booth, remember your glorious CYO years, and know that God always loves a basketball player.