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5/24/2010

Local Man "Totally Cranking" American Idol Crystal Bowersox

(Toledo, OH) Local embellishment specialist Dwayne Baxter told Toledo Tales reporters that his string of recent conquests includes local singer-songwriter Crystal Bowersox, a finalist in the 2010 American Idol competition.

"Straight up: Crystal was climbing all over my Johnson the other night," Baxter recounted. "She was riding my business like superglued cowgirl on a meth-snorting bronco, brother."

The unemployed sheet metalworker said that he and Bowersox met at a local pub after her recent return to the Toledo area.

"I was just sitting there, minding my own grill, when she came up behind me and reached around for a tug at Mr. Happy," he chuckled. "It's funny how even celebrity chicks forget about their reputations when they get a good look at my junk. Hell, just last week I was out to LA visiting some friends and I banged Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and Ellen DeGeneres at the same fucking party. Yessir: even the lesbians can't resist the sexual magnetism of Mr. Dwayne T. Baxter."

Baxter said that the "most challenging" nature of his relationship with Bowersox is her persistence.

"Unfortunately, the Bax-man has to move on after a couple of rounds of the old rodeo, but Crystal just won't take the hint," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "I know that women have a hard time saying goodbye to me, but damn: that girl is crazier than a sack of rabid weasels."

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 8:24 PM  5 comments
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