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Police Bust Up Wombat-Fighting Ring

(Toledo, OH) Police and animal investigators removed several dozen Australian wombats from a north Toledo home in what was described as a "failed wombat-fighting ring."

Police also arrested LaGrange Street resident Marty Kensington, 45, on cruelty charges.

Interviewed by Toledo Tales, Kensington expressed remorse at his actions.

"The bastard who sold them to me said they were vicious killers," said Kensington. "I paid $300 bucks for a pair of eucalyptus-leaf eating retards who just stare at each other with a dull glare."

Kensington tried many techniques to get the wombats to fight, but all they would do is "eat and breed."

"Yeah, I tried poking 'em with sticks, yelling at 'em, and dumping acid on their heads, but nothing seemed to work," he said. "They just sit there and stare at you, drooling and grunting."

The animals, said Kensington, have been a bad investment, and he was "relieved" when police arrived.

"Not only will they not fight, but they dig their way out of every kennel I've built," he said. "Good riddance, I say about the smelly bastards."

gee whiz i be from tooledoo too
This dickhead has to take FIRST prize in the Darwin Awards!! What a bloody MORON. A bit of study would have told him that it's ONLY the Southern Hairy Nosed Wombats that are the killers - real bloody savage bastards they are! Hey fella, if you've still got a bit of money left, can I sell you a couple of drop bears at the right price. What about some exclusive lakeside acres at Lake Eyre - be quick for these!

Shit, some people need to be locked up for their OWN bloody safety!!!!!
Hope the guy dies in a fire, slowly.
let me pour some acid on his head
both the little one and the big one.

how the hell did this bastard get wombats. Customs at thier best
What else would anyone expect from a Septic?

Wombat's brother
Janeway would have rescued Sez if the police hadn't.
I could sell him some Patagonian tree dolphins. Boy are they vicious.
I'm calling shenanigans on this story. Shenanigans!

- TheCheat
Ohio, anohter state in the land of the terminally stupid. No wonder these dumb Americans lose wars. Won any since Vietnam guys?
No way this is remotely true. If so, I hope he gets run over by a steamroller, lives, and on the way to the hospital, the ambulance drives off a cliff into a giant meat grinder.
What a jerk. Must originally hail from the land down under. Put another shrimp on the barbie! A-holes.
2 tasmanian devils for this moron..special delivery
First of all I am totally disgusted by this story. Umm when I think of wombat killer does not come to mind, and for the for the other moron out there we are not stupid americans just because one person does something stupid do not place the rest of us in that catagory, and for the war issue don't even talk about the war unless you know what is truly going on, to bad some "MORON" countries can't take care of themselves and need America to wipe their butss for them, to bad some "stupid" countries allow their leaders to slaughter their own people all for ethnic cleansing, so how about you focus on them. And by the way if you have to bash someone use a name of some sorts don't be a sniveling coward and be anonymous. To bad every war that we ahve been in since the Civil war has been because we were dragged into it by other countries, someone needs to read some history huh.
Ah yes, America, The Proud, The Retards, The Stupid... must be George Bush's long lost brother! Please somebody pour Acid on THIS GUYs'
Little head!!!!
Oh the silly dumbasses that take this seriously need to lighten up a bit. Whats one less useless wombat is it really going to destroy the whole ecosystem.

Just a couple of things for the uptight fucktards,,,,

1. Lighten up
2. Its FAKE

Now go back to your pud-pounding up-tight-assedness!

Like Yosemite Sam should say "peoples is so stoopid"
"This is a satirical newspaper, and these stories are fictional. Toledo Tales® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized."

The public school system is obviously doing a fine job on both sides of the Pacific . . .
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ok, heres where the guy screwed up, in order to make them fight you have to put olive juice in the pen. You see,these animals brains are very small, and scientifically the olive juice enters the brain stem via nasal inhalation, causing severe "pissedoffitis" inside. After seconds of contact step aside, as these guys will then rip you apart.They have been know to bring down grizzlys after contact with the "mean juice". Any one else need any help?
First off, Sarah, too has two 'o's when you use it the way you did. Secondly, I am from Toledo and believe me we're not all this way. I would say about 60 percent of the general population of any city in the US are f(*%*ing idiots. Thirdly, it is fake.

On the War topic. Wars don't have a winner, only a better loser. Feel free to generalize our country all you like. Heck, you must think ALL Germans were nazis, and that ALL Japanese people were kamikazes, and that ALL English are gap-toothed fancy lads.

Truth is, they aren't, nor are ALL Americans stupid. Also, I agree with Sarah, why be anonymous? Or do you not have the right to speak freely in your country, thus require anonymity for safety?
I heard it on ESPN2 on Mike and Mike too. The dipwads were so offended and upset because theyn thought it was serious. It was farkin' hilarious! I'd had to be theintern that handed them this story.
who's stupid? the american who posts a fake news story, or the foreign guy who reads it and thinks it is real?
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Dude, this story isn't real. Get over it.
Guys, this story isn't real. Get over it.
It's still fucking funny, although the funnier part are the PETA-minded goofballs who bought into it.

Ahh, nothing like satire that's as outlandish as the real stories of Toledo.
So can you use them for fighting or not? I can see the ole pit fight betting ramping up for Wombats. Might be a nice change. I think Wombat fighting has captured the imagination of the World. Anyway, nature is cruel in claw and fury. Could it be that the Wombats are not carnivors? What happens if you feed them salt and restrict their water intake? Would they go crazy and tear each other to pieces then? And I wouldn't give animals acid--speed might work better.
Darn...and I was so looking forward to the Wombat V Wolverine bowl...it had such potential...

None of you idiots are funny.

Please kill yourselves and then fall down and die.
Ok , you clowns have it all wrong .
Wombats can be trained to be vicious stealth killers, this guy just had no idea, meditation and the liberal use of an electric prod achieves wonders .
So you also know why guys are like Wombats ?
Eats , roots and leaves
lovely site
what the fizuck!!!!???? It's bad enough of the tought of fighting these adorable animals but then going and pouring acid on their heads? This guy should have acid poured down his throat and have his mother cut off his (wo)manly parts and have it stuck down his acid eaten throat....

Can you tell I value animals more than human?
I had a wombat once, but it was so viscious that, after it killed and ate my pit bull, and all of my prize-winning piranha, I had no choice but set it free in my neighbor's house.
Animal control took it away, once they figure out it was a wombat that killed him and his whole family.
Nasty little buggers.

figure = figured

A flash of pure genius, Bravo!

You my friend, have caught one boat-load of suckers :-)

I think this is the greatest idea I've ever heard. Possible realtiy tv show plot in the making here?
Well at least he wasn't dumb enough to purchase some French Surrender Monkeys...
ohio is the shittiest state besides idaho. no wonder this happened
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