Toledo Tales

Toledo, OH) A study conducted by the American Institute for Regional Development depicted East Toledoans in an unfavorable light.

Among the findings: east-siders were eleven times more likely than those on the west side of the river to be inbred.

East side residents also fared poorly on standardized IQ tests, averaging 40 points below their counterparts across the Maumee River.

Bill Worley, president of Eastsiders Against The Malicious Equivocation (EATME), took issue with the findings.

“This study was obviously funded by west side developers looking to cash in on depressed property values,” he said. “Besides, they are just a bunch of pootie-heads.”

Worley objected to the study’s sample size.

“They only surveyed 100 people, and 30 of them were from the McKenzies, who live in 2 houses on Pratt Street,” he said, referencing a colorful local family.

Toledo Mayor Jack Ford was also unhappy about the study.

“Everyone in Toledo counts, and it doesn’t matter if their moms are also their sisters,” he said. “This is a tolerant and accepting community.”

Worley had a few choice words for west-siders.

“If you think you’re so smart, how come you’re wearing socks with long pants?” he asked. “Ain’t nobody going to see them.”

(Toledo, OH) A Toledo-area bowler, who has been in leagues at nearly every area facility, expressed unhappiness with what he called “a noticeable decline in bowling French fry quality.”

“It used to be you could find the world’s best fries at a bowling alley,” said Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski. “Now, all you can get are dried-out frozen crinkles cooked in year-old grease that tastes like fish.”

Jazubowski, who carries an average in “the low 140s,” said that he began to witness low quality fries in the late 1990s.

“At first it was just a couple of places,” he said of the spud deterioration. “Then some of the better houses started serving this shit.”

The low point for Jazubowski came when a Toledo bowling landmark closed in 2005.

“When Ottawa Lanes was torn down, Toledo lost its last good bowling fry,” he said dejectedly. “There is nothing left for the connoisseur of good fried foods.”

Jazubowski is most angered when pro bowlers arrive in Toledo for tournaments.

“Yeah, they’ll change the deep fry grease when the PBA is here,” he said. “The problem is, you won’t get fresh oil until the next tourney.”

Jazubowski said that he will lead a citywide boycott of fries in protest.

Imperial Lanes manager Mark Nicholson disputed Jazubowski’s claims.

“That guy is a world-class douche bag,” he said. “Last week he was in here complaining that we switched the Hines’ ketchup packets for cheap no-brand packs. Doesn’t this fuckhead have anything else to do?”

(Toledo, OH) Angered by the policies of restaurants such as McDonald’s that provide play areas, local children organized a protest against what they call “really stupid rules.”

One of the movement’s leaders is 9-year old Stephen Harnett of Sylvania.

“I was at McDonald’s last week, and this manager made me get off the slide because I was barefoot,” he said. “I mean, come on. I took a bath last Friday. He’s the one who stinks!”

Several of the other protestors agreed with Harnett’s assessment, and offered passersby an opportunity to verify that their shoes and feet were odor-free.

“Yeah, that guy smells like rotten cheese,” said Tommy Miller, 8. “When he told me to leave, I said: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, if you die, you’ll know why!”

Contacted by Toledo Tales, McDonald’s representative Karen Hastings said that the rules are in place “to protect the health and safety of our patrons.”

Harnett said that the corporate concerns were misplaced.

“If they want to protect the safety of their patrons, then they should stop serving nasty worm burgers,” he said. “And they should stop wiping their butts on the buns.”

Miller added: “Yeah, and they should stop picking their noses and wiping the boogers on the Chicken Nuggets.”