Toledo Tales

Left: Mayor Jack Ford with commando unit

(Toledo, OH) The hotly-cotested mayoral race in Toledo escalated further this weekend, as hopefuls for the 22nd floor of One Government Center unveiled new techniques to contact prospective voters.

Most impressive was incumbent Mayor Jack Ford, who employed police SWAT teams to get access to recalcitrant homeowners.

"We are not going to let a locked door get in the way of a single goddamn vote," shouted Ford above the deafening roar of percussion explosives. "I got their 'No Tresspassing' sign right here."

Fellow Democrat Keith Wilkowski was not to be outdone at a home on Linda Drive.

"Pizza delivery!" yelled the candidate, who was dressed in a Marco's Pizza uniform. "I know you are in there!"

Republican challenger Rob Ludeman found his car to be a useful vote-getting tool.

"Look, these people have to leave the house some time," he said from behind the wheel of his Oldsmobile. "If I park them in, they have to walk out to the car, and then I have them."

Former mayor Carty Finkbeiner, who is seeking a third term in office, tried a religious approach.


"Politicians are the most despised of all door-to-door creatures," he said, holding a stack of pamphlets. "By disguising myself as a Jehovah's Witness, I can at least get these bastards to open the door."