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TPS To Institute More Safety Features On Busses

Left: obsolete, unsafe TPS bus

(Toledo, OH) Responding to calls for increased security, administrators of Toledo Public Schools announced a new round of safety measures.

"You can't be too careful when it comes to our children," said TPS Superintendent Eugene Sanders. "We're beginning with optical scanners and mobile metal detectors to supplement ID card verification."

Sanders said that the measures will counter possible terror threats.

Left: possible al Qaeda operatives

"We have new face-recognition technology that will link up with Interpol," he said. "This will eliminate the threats posed by 8-year old al Qaeda operatives."

Also in the mix: new armor plating for TPS vehicles.

Left: retrofitted TPS bus

"The new technology will allow a standard school bus to withstand a direct hit from an RPG," said Sanders. "In addition, transportation employees are being cross-trained to man roof-mounted .50 machine guns."

12-year old Martin Jackson, a student at McTigue Junior High, was less than enthusiastic about the changes.

"Fuck it. I'm walking to school," he said.

OMG what a total waste, all they have to do is microchip them...

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