Toledo Tales

Left: E.coli - nothing to be alarmed about, dammit

(Columbus, OH) Despite 14 confirmed cases of E. coli illnesses and one related death in Toledo, state health department officials remained upbeat today.

"The key to this is there's really no public health threat. The outbreak appears over, and we don't believe there's any new transmission," said Kristopher Weiss, a representative at the Ohio Department of Health. "Besides, can't we all use a little intestinal purging now and then?"

Weiss said that Toledoans need not fear further outbreaks.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, plus terrorists," he said. "You ninnies in Toledo need to find something better to do with your time."

Weiss said that E. coli is "really overrated" as an infectious agent.

"Now, smallpox, that's a real killer," he said. "Wouldn't you rather get worried about that? Come on, man, smallpox scares the shit out of me. Oh, and pay no attention to the man standing behind the curtain."

A new state law allows health officials to withhold the name of businesses being investigated. Dr. David Grossman, commissioner for the Toledo-Lucas County Health Department, said state officials believe a catering company in Toledo is the ultimate source of the outbreak.

"Man, I really want to tell you who it is, but I can't," said Grossman, etching letters into the ground outside the county health department. "I'm GLAD YOU all came out today to see us."