Toledo Tales

Left: felled ash trees - fuel for the poor

(Toledo, OH) With winter heating costs expected to jump this year, relief was approved by the Legislature yesterday for impoverished Ohioans.

The state is making available felled ash trees for the poor to burn in lieu of natural gas or heating oil.

"We figured, hey, let's kill two birds with one stone," said Jon Husted (R), Speaker of the House. "We shouldn't let a few bugs get in the way of good fuel, right? Besides, those people are used to living with insects around 'em."

Husted said that, given the state's budget crisis, little more could be done for the poor.

"Look, it was either that or watch them freeze," he said. "Nothing like a bunch of frozen seniors to get the voters poking their noses where they don't belong, like in Columbus."

The Speaker scoffed at suggestions that the plan might reintroduce the emerald ash borer.

"The ash tree is gone, man, gone," he said. "It's just a matter of time before the whole damn state is a stickless prairie anyway. If we burn a billion ash trees over the next ten years, we can cut our dependence on foreign oil as well as our subsidies to the poor. It's win-freaking-win, baby!"