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Atkins Relatives Ruin Thanksgiving For Local Woman

(Toledo, OH) Gwen Logan has faced disappointment on holidays before, including no-shows, drunken uncles, and feuding cousins.

Nothing, however, may ever top the new scourge of local Thanksgiving chefs - the ubiquitous Atkins dieter.

"I can't believe all these idiots," she said, shaking her head. "It's 'no sugar,' 'no rolls,' and 'no carbs' throughout the whole goddamn meal."

Logan said that one of the worst moments came during the carving of the turkey.

"OK, you've got eight of these morons wrestling for the two chicken breasts," she said. "Let's see...eight divided by two equals ...for Christ's sake, have a goddamn thigh!"

Dessert time did not fare much better.

"We had a total of 11 pies for 21 people," she said. "By 6:00 there were only two slices of pumpkin eaten."

One item went over especially well at the dinner.

"Oh, sure, they eat salad like a bunch of fucking rabbits," she said. "Lester had to run over to Kroger's at three in the afternoon for these clowns. I swear to God next year I am ordering pizza."

It could be worse, she could have vegetarian relatives.

Tofu Turkey just doesn't quite look right....

Tofu Turkey?

Ugh. Wouldn't go there.

"I swear to God next year I am ordering pizza."

Deep dish ;-)

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