Toledo Tales

(North Bass Island, Ohio) Local cavemen took to the streets today to protest claims by another indigenous group to North Bass Island.

"We were here at least ten thousand years before the Ottawa," said Grokk, a spokeman for the group. "If anyone should get it, it's us."

The Ottawa, a Native American group that has been fighting for fishing rights on the Lake Erie island, now demands ownership of the 677 acre island. Grokk took issue with their claims.

"The Ottawa occupied the island for only a century or two," he said, beating a piece of quartz with a rock. "My ancestors lived on that island for thousands of years."

Based on interpretations of two treaties from the early 1800s, the Ottawa Tribe of Oklahoma claims that it should have the entire island. Grokk and other cavemen disagree, and have other plans.


"We would like the US to cede title to us so that we can make a prehistoric game preserve," he said. "We will stock it with woolly mammoths and other exotic big game. We think that we have the next big thing in hunting here, and Cabela's has already given us a verbal agreement to cross-promote the preserve."

A spokesman for the Ottawa said that he had not heard of the claims of the cavemen, but believed that the Neanderthals were "between a rock and a hard place."

"Fuck 'em. It's evolution, man," said the spokesman, who chose to remain nameless.