Toledo Tales

Left: DaimlerChrysler's new Dodge Nitro, which is expected to make factory idiots put in an honest day's work

(New York, NY) DaimlerChrysler (DCX) investors raised their glasses to toast the announcement of productivity gains at Toledo Jeep.

"The introduction of the Dodge Nitro means those lazy union leeches will have to get off their lazy their assses and make me some money," said Warren Buffet, chairman of the investment firm Berkshire-Hathaway. "It's about time American workers learned what it means to be productive."

Employment at the Toledo Jeep operations has steadily decreased in the past seven years. The union seniority list was at 5,800 workers in 1998, and currently hovers just under 3,900 workers. Buffet hoped that DCX management will continue its workforce-trimming focus.

"I think we can double the output of vehicles with 2,000 less workers," he said, eyes poring over a spreadsheet. "Then the dividends will jump to $4 a share, and I can pocket a cool $11 billion after taxes."

The Nitro, the first compact Dodge SUV, will be assembled starting next summer in addition to the Jeep Liberty. The Toledo Jeep complex will also build the new models of the Jeep Wrangler. Buffet said that he hopes DCX will move other operations to Toledo.

"Look - I am all about maximizing return, and I could care less about these line rats," he said. "Why not have 1,000 workers building 6,000 cars a day? Do you know what that would mean to the bottom line? Holy shit - the stock would have to split just to keep the ticker price in the three digits."

Buffet applauded DaimlerChrysler's commitment to shareholders.

"Now all they have to do is get these UAW fucks working for about $8 an hour and we'll be all right," he said. "Oh, and they have to do something about getting rid of those costly insurance plans - let's just give 'em all a box of Band-Aids and a bottle of Excedrin once a month instead. Generic, though; nothing too fancy."