Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Detroit, MI)—Automotive giant General Motors announced today that it will lay off all of its employees—including factory workers and corporate management—by 2009.

The lone exception will be ten Italian-American laborers who “fucking work their greasy asses off,” and will remain an indispensable asset to the company throughout the next decade, said a company spokesperson.

While all ten Italians recently declined an interview with Toledo Tales due to scheduling conflicts, an anonymous source has confirmed that they all hail from various parts of northwest Ohio and central Michigan, and at least two have been convicted of alcohol-related offenses in Lucas County.

The United Auto Workers blasted GM executives, citing this decision as a “monumental setback” for working families, especially in areas such as Lansing and rural Georgia, where economic growth has remained stagnant in recent years.

But despite a never-ending assault from labor activists and the press, chief executive G. Richard Wagoner Jr. sees GM’s struggle through a pane of rosy optimism.

“GM is still a family company, and is still dedicated to its employees," he said. "In fact, I have an ’86 Corvette around back that is going to shuttle folks to the unemployment office free of charge. With that kind of service, who needs a pension?”

Wagoner also sought to soothe the impact this would have on the nation’s unemployment rate.

“No matter where our workers end up — be it their brother’s couch in Sylvania, drinking Jim Bean at 10 a.m., or begging for loose change outside an Episcopal Church in Flint—they can take great pride in 2009, when these ten Italian dudes roll eleven, twelve, maybe even a baker’s dozen of GM vehicles off the assembly line for an eager American public.”