Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) A Toledo-area bowler, who has been in leagues at nearly every area facility, expressed unhappiness with what he called “a noticeable decline in bowling French fry quality.”

“It used to be you could find the world’s best fries at a bowling alley,” said Nathan "Nappy" Jazubowski. “Now, all you can get are dried-out frozen crinkles cooked in year-old grease that tastes like fish.”

Jazubowski, who carries an average in “the low 140s,” said that he began to witness low quality fries in the late 1990s.

“At first it was just a couple of places,” he said of the spud deterioration. “Then some of the better houses started serving this shit.”

The low point for Jazubowski came when a Toledo bowling landmark closed in 2005.

“When Ottawa Lanes was torn down, Toledo lost its last good bowling fry,” he said dejectedly. “There is nothing left for the connoisseur of good fried foods.”

Jazubowski is most angered when pro bowlers arrive in Toledo for tournaments.

“Yeah, they’ll change the deep fry grease when the PBA is here,” he said. “The problem is, you won’t get fresh oil until the next tourney.”

Jazubowski said that he will lead a citywide boycott of fries in protest.

Imperial Lanes manager Mark Nicholson disputed Jazubowski’s claims.

“That guy is a world-class douche bag,” he said. “Last week he was in here complaining that we switched the Hines’ ketchup packets for cheap no-brand packs. Doesn’t this fuckhead have anything else to do?”

Yes, another re-run. Subcomandante Bob is in a creative funk today, and the voices in his head are so loud that he can't think straight.