Toledo Tales

Toledo, OH) A study conducted by the American Institute for Regional Development depicted East Toledoans in an unfavorable light.

Among the findings: east-siders were eleven times more likely than those on the west side of the river to be inbred.

East side residents also fared poorly on standardized IQ tests, averaging 40 points below their counterparts across the Maumee River.

Bill Worley, president of Eastsiders Against The Malicious Equivocation (EATME), took issue with the findings.

“This study was obviously funded by west side developers looking to cash in on depressed property values,” he said. “Besides, they are just a bunch of pootie-heads.”

Worley objected to the study’s sample size.

“They only surveyed 100 people, and 30 of them were from the McKenzies, who live in 2 houses on Pratt Street,” he said, referencing a colorful local family. "The McKenzies skew the results, and besides, we're not quite sure exactly how many McKenzies there are any more since Raquelle gave birth to a new litter."

Toledo Mayor Jack Ford was also unhappy about the study.

“Everyone in Toledo counts, and it doesn’t matter if their moms are also their sisters,” he said. “This is a tolerant and accepting community.”

Worley had a few choice words for west-siders.

“If you think you’re so smart, how come you’re wearing socks with long pants?” he asked. “Ain’t nobody going to see them.”

Yes, it's a rerun, kids. Subcomandante Bob and a certain C-man whooped it up last night after the Monday Night Football game, and he is finding it hard to form words of more than one syllable.