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Toledo Weatherman Incapable of Showing Emotion

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—After another weekend of slammed doors and passive-aggressive huffiness, it is clear that Tom Constable, a Toledo-area weatherman, “totally doesn’t fucking care” about his fiercely independent daughter Ashley, 17, and according to one report, “would probably respond to her death with cold indifference.”

Constable, 53, is a native of Sylvania, and caught his first professional break at Bowling Green University, where he hosted his own radio show as an undergraduate. By the mid-1980s, he had a substantial reputation working as a meteorologist for several AM stations, and by all accounts, his potential seemed endless, with network television offers lingering on the horizon.

This all came to a screeching halt in 1988, when his wife gave birth to their only child, which subsequently destroyed Constable’s emotional range.

“Tom loved that little girl…at first,” remarked Lewis McCarthy, long-time neighbor and friend of the family. “But by the time she turned three, he had just given up. I mean, diapers take their toll on a man. That child ruined Tom’s ability to feel.”

This Sunday marked another two-day stand-off, in which Ashley argued endlessly with her mother about boys, birth control, and her 11:30 p.m. curfew, while Tom remained conspicuously aloof.

“Tom just sits there reading the goddamn paper,” lamented Mrs. Constable between quiet, repressed sobs. “A few months ago, I almost filed for divorced, but I can’t raise Ashley by myself. Some days I just drive past my house after work because I can’t deal with the pain. How is this my life?”

I suggest Brat Camp.

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