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12/30/2005

Columbia Gas Announces It Has Fleeced Public Enough, Lowers Prices


(Columbus, OH) After posting record profits in 2005, Columbia Gas announced today that it will lower natural gas prices in January.

The company sought approval for a rate of $1.36 per 100 cubic feet, down 13 percent from its $1.57 rate earlier submitted to PUCO.

"Hey man, we cleaned up like ravenous pigs in the past 12 months," said Martin Harrington of Columbia Gas. "We figured we could toss a couple of bucks back to the people."

Columbia Gas customers can choose from nine different suppliers, but PUCO's price comparison chart shows none offering a rate lower than Columbia Gas. Harrington acknowledged the pricing situation.

"Yeah, you went from a monopoly to a cartel," he snickered, waving a fistful of $100 bills. "Did you really buy into that 'free market' bullshit we spewed a few years back? God, you people are ignorant."

The average customer bill next month, Harrington said, will be about $279, down from $316 it could have been.

"We want you to take that $37 and do something fun with it, like buying Columbia Gas stock," he laughed. "Of course, you probably are just going to put it in your car's gas tank, but we can dream, can't we?"

Comments:
Phuck Columbia Gas.
 
Everybody should switch to my gas company. Phhffftt, 'scuse me. Just keep me in beans and clean tidy bill whities and we got a deal. A bonus is a free source of garden fertilizer! Pfhhhft, 'scuse me again. Just call 1-800-638-4263(methane)
 
This "news" would be funnier, if it weren't so damn true...
 
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