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Daimler-Chrysler Announces 377 New Supplier Plants on Stickney

(Toledo, OH) Daimler-Chrysler (DCX) CEO Dieter Zetsche announced today that the company has signed deals with hundreds of suppliers and subcontractors to produce everything needed for the hot-selling Jeep Liberty.

“We want to focus on selling the cars, rather than actually building them ourselves,” he said. “Think Nike: it’s just the brand awareness we want to concentrate on.”

One of the most important features of the innovative relationships is the reduction in highly paid union workers, said Zetsche.

“Through these partnerships, we will have reduced plant employment down to one person,” he said. “This position will be known as ‘ornament dude.’”

‘Ornament dude’ will glue the Jeep nameplate on the hood, and will allow the company to continue to market the automobile as a union product.

Zetsche took issue with opponents of the moves.

“Look, the handwriting is on the wall,” he said. “No Fortune 500 company actually makes anything any more. Why should we keep up the charade?”

News of the agreement sent DCX stock skyrocketing nearly $14 a share, closing at $55.17. Analysts said the gain reflects investor confidence that the outsourcing measures will improve profitability.

If only it was wild speculation instead of likely reality.
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