Toledo Tales

(Ottawa Hills, Ohio) Confirming the self-assessments of residents in this exclusive enclave, a university study determined that fecal matter of Ottawa Hills citizens does not have an offensive odor.

In fact, many residents excrete a waste product that smells rather like roses, researchers found.

This is no surprise to socialite Marge Brandingham, contacted by Toledo Tales for this article.

“It’s amazing what proper breeding will do,” she said. “However, living in the village also results in the acquisition of E.coli olfactorius pleasantus, a very neat intestinal bacterium.”

The study also found that residents do not emit other bodily odors often occurring in humans.

Jim Braxton, manager of the Bancroft Street Five Star Market, said that sales of personal care products such as deodorant and feminine hygiene items seem to be restricted to UT students.

“Ottawa Hills residents just don’t seem to smell,” he said. “There are a few newcomers who still need to buy those products, though, but that seems to fade in about a year.”

Brandigham said that she feels vindicated.

"We have been telling outsiders this for years," she said. "Now we have proof that Ottawa Hills residents are a breed apart from the rest of humanity."