Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner promised to kick off his "Get Fit Toledo" program soon, including a proposed path from the suburbs to downtown.

The program would incorporate weekly neighborhood walks to promote fitness and also to encourage communication between residents and community leaders. Area criminals applauded the move.

"Anything that gets more people on the streets is good for the robbery business," said "Krumpin' G," an economist for a local Bloods faction. "Our revenue stream tanked with the first snowfall, and projections remain weak through the first quarter until things warm up."

Finkbeiner said he plans a walking/biking path extending from the Anthony Wayne Trail at South Detroit Avenue to downtown.

"That would provide us with our ideal demographics," said Krumpin' G. "We could count on an increased number of suburban targets with higher incomes. Jacking the same central city victims over and over gets counterproductive, and the law of diminishing returns comes into play."

The mayor said that his "Walk the Neighborhood Program" would include religious leaders, community leaders, youth leaders, councilmen, and even the mayor himself.

"Sounds like a great way to boost the local underground economy," said Krumpin' G. "With all of those high rollers marching down the Trail, this may represent a real paradigm shift in the dynamics of local thug: victim ratios. Oh yeah, and when da hoo rider marks start they high-sidin' we be right there to stay their outta bounds asses for all they gots."