Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Mildred Barringsly, an East Streicher woman noted for a neatly-manicured lawn and low tolerance for neighborhood children, took part in what she called "shuttle diplomacy" last week.

"I had hoped that I could get through to these local hoodlums on the importance of respecting property rights," she said. "I think that citizens have an obligation to reach out to the next generation."

Barringsly's goal: an end to the bitter conflict that has enveloped this North End community, and specifically a cessation of hostilities.

"It began when I kept one of their footballs that landed on my begonias," she said, showing Toledo Tales the confiscated pigskin. "The little bastards retaliated by egging my house."

Barringsly said that her initial overtures of negotiation were rebuffed, but that she will continue to keep topen the doors of diplomatic solutions.

"The mother of three of the miscreants told me to quote: 'get the fuck off my porch' unquote," she said. "Despite my rude welcome, I managed to stick to my talking points."

East Strecher hooligans Mandy (10) and Jason (8) Pinner remained committed to military options.

"That cranky old skanky better give give us back our stuff," said Mandy. "If she doesn't, we have been saving up some stinky presents for her from our dog, Pockets."