Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Mark Winthorp doesn't consider himself narrow-minded, but the 34-year old Toledoan is worried about the arrival of a recent pest.

"Yeah, that ass borer deal is pretty bizarre," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I mean, the name just says it all, right?"

Winthorp said that he first heard about the problem while drinking at a local pub.

"I couldn't hear what they were saying on the TV, so my friend Tino told me about the borer," he said. "Is there anything worse than a sociopathic homosexual whose reconstructed bionic penis can accommodate 3/8" drill bits?"

Most shocking, said Winthorp, was the idea that victims never know what hit them.

"One minute your having a beer with the guys, and the next you are face down in a musty cellar being drilled by some freak," he said, unconsciously crossing his legs. "I can't imagine a worse way to go than getting reamed by the ass borer."

Winthorp's friends took delight in playing off the worried man's fears.

"What a f**king idiot," said Tino Herrick, a longtime drinking buddy of Winthorp's. "I can't believe he still hasn't figured it out."