Toledo Tales

Left: "Piper," a local pharmaceuticals rep

The looming matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and the Pittsburgh Steeelers has benefitted not only local hotels and restaurants. Toledo's top dopeman, who goes by the name of "Piper," reports that his cellphones are "lierally off the hook."

"I'm getting calls from as far away as Fort Wayne and Detroit," he said, pausing to put a caller on hold. "We must have moved more merchandise in the past 48 hours than we did during the last Grateful Dead tour."

Piper attributes his firm's success to strategic marketing.

"We've been paying off bellhops, taxi cab drivers, and waitresses all over the region," he said. "It's amazing what a couple dozen free joints will bring you in networked sales."

The national crackdown on drunk-driving may also be helping to fuel the interest in marijuana, said Piper.

"If you get pulled over while stoned, you have a better chance of getting away with it as long as you don't talk too much," he said. "Potheads don't have whiskey breath, they usually aren't aggressive, and by the time the cop gets to the car they are so paranoid that they look sober."

Piper also believes that increased slaes may be due to his firm's willingness to extend more credit to regular customers.

"Our agents are prepared to raise credit lines by as much as 50% during Super Bowl weekend," he said. "It's customer service that really sets us apart from all the other punk-ass wannabes who crowd this market."