Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Larry Simpson, a life-long Toledo resident, recently marked the site of his “massive Friday night whiz” with a Christian roadside marker to honor the hallowed nature of the event.

Simpson consumed approximately 13 pints of Budweiser at Jo-Jo’s Pizzeria on Monroe Street between the hours of 7 and 11 p.m., and his bladder ached at the very thought of release.

“Jesus, I thought I was gonna burst,” mumbled Simpson between drags from his Marlboro Light. “I tried to make it back to Bancroft Hills, but nature won out. Let’s just say I blessed the good soil with two liters of man-juice, and was compelled to commemorate the event.”

Simpson said that he felt that his experience "bordered on the sacred."

"I swear that I saw God that night," he said. "What transpired on the side of the road was visionary moment, a truly holy event. I had to get on my knees afterward, but I think that was probably because I had to barf, too."

Some Toledoans were offended, however, since they felt the cross cheapened several deaths from recent automobile accidents.

“This is an atrocious denigration of religious symbolism,” said Barbara Vera, a local parent who lost her only daughter in a horrific car crash. “We had to identify our Lauren by her dental records, and this fucker gets to celebrate his alcoholism? I’d punch him in the balls if I knew where he lived.”