(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson has been watching the 2006 Olympics on NBC "pretty near all week," but says the athletic competitions he's seen so far "suck real bad."
"Listen - me and my buds can totally outperform these dickheads," he said, setting down his ninth Bud Light. "We rigged up an old DuraLiner as a practice bobsled, and our times downhill make them Olympians look ridiculous."
Another event that Jackson believes he will "rule" in is cross-country skiing.
"Look at them assholes - a couple of 1'x8's on their boots and they think they're Richard Petty," he said. "My cousin's got somefiberglass panels that he shined up with WD-40, and I bet we can go twice as fast as them."
Jackson says that he prefers the Summer over the Winter Olympics.
"The girls got a lot less clothers in the Summer Olympics," he said, grabbing a handful of Cheetohs. "Those parkas don't help out with what you call your 'production values.'"