(Toledo, OH) From time to time Subcomandante Bob gets letters. OK, he gets a lot of letters from bill collectors and municipal courts, but we aren't talking about those kinds of letters. Those get stuffed into a drawer under the television set, and only get taken out when Bob needs something to light the grill with.
The letters we are talking about are those from readers. Bob, for an unexplained reason, seems to evoke in readers a belief that he has advice to offer, advice that only comes from hard living and associating with ne'er-do-wells.
That being said we bring to you a few letters from Bob's mailbag:
Dear Subcomandante Bob:
I have a secret crush on a woman who lives next door to me. Two problems - we're both married, and we're both women. Should I follow through on this, or keep it to myself?
Mary in Maumee
You should definitely follow through on this, and you should film the moment. Send me a copy too, while you're at it.
I am a very wealthy man who is afraid of doctors. I recently noticed this golfball-sized lump in my neck. What would you do if you were me?
Baxter in Toledo
You sound like what you really need is a good friend, someone to do things for you in your time of need. And you know what? I could be that friend, that person to mix your martinis, fluff your pillow, and help you during your illness. That one person who stood by you, when everyone else turned their backs on you, in a very real and legally-binding sense.
I have been having disturbing dreams of late in which I attack loved ones with a machete. Is this a sign of mental illness? Should my family be concerned?
Kevin in Sylvania
Those sound like perfectly normal dreams to me, and I don't think there's anything for your family to be worried about. You know, Kevin, you're a great guy, OK? No problems between us, right? We were always cool, if I remember correctly. You take care, buddy, and keep up the good work.