Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) From time to time Subcomandante Bob gets letters. OK, he gets a lot of letters from bill collectors and municipal courts, but we aren't talking about those kinds of letters. Those get stuffed into a drawer under the television set, and only get taken out when Bob needs something to light the grill with.

The letters we are talking about are those from readers. Bob, for an unexplained reason, seems to evoke in readers a belief that he has advice to offer, advice that only comes from hard living and associating with ne'er-do-wells.

That being said we bring to you a few letters from Bob's mailbag:

Dear Subcomandante Bob:

I have a neighbor whose dog yaps all day and night. I was originally going to shoot it with my .22, but a friend told me that pouring antifreeze in his water bowl is a better way to go. That way there are no ballistics tests to haunt me. What do you think?

Jason in Sylvania

Dear Jason:

Besides the fact that you are a sick son-of-a-bitch, you are also pretty stupid. If you can't learn to live with one of God's beautiful creatures, I suggest that you off yourself. Get a good hemp rope, tie it to a beam in your garage, fashion a noose, and hang yourself. Jeez, everyone knows that the best way to shut up a barking dog is to beat it with a broomstick. Dork.


Dear Bob:

I stupidly left an incriminating message on someone's voicemail, and now I am in a lot of hot water. I face a court case over this, and I need to do something. Anything. Got any ideas?

East Side B

Dear B:

When they play that message in court, they will use some sort of sensitive electronic equipment. My advice is to bring as many magnets with you to court on the day of the trial and try to get as close as you can to the playback device. With any luck, you will screw up the tape or disc. If nothing else, you will wreak havoc on the courtroom hardware and maybe get yourself a mistrial.


Dear Bob:

Is it true that you were once in the Special Forces? I have a bet riding on this.

Jimmy in Toledo

Dear Jimmy:

Nope, never been in the Special Forces. I did try out for the Justice League, but they were unimpressed with my credentials, which consisted largely of being able to drink a pint of vodka in 11 seconds. Hope you bet against me.