Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob usually does not reprint funny things sent to him by readers, since he prefers to run original material or, at least, cleverly-disguised stolen material.

However, since Bob spent the last 48 hours celebrating everything remotely connected to St. Patrick's Day (including several toasts to a streetlight that turned on and off every thirty seconds), he is going to reprint this amusing Top Ten list sent by a dedicated reader in Traverse City, MI.

A shillelagh, by the way, is an Irish fighting stick used for smacking the bejeesus out of an adversary.

She aked that her name not be used on account of the fact that Bob has been forever banned from the town due to an unfortunate incident involving a fifth of Stolichnaya, a front-loading earth mover, and the town square, but Bob digresses.

Here then is the promised "Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A Shillelagh":

10. "Do I need another Shillelagh?"

9. "Should I pay the extra ten dollars and get the Mach 3 Shillelagh?"

8. "In case I need assistance, is there a Shillelagh customer service hotline?"

7. "Used Shillelagh: Unsanitary?"

6. "What does the size of my Shillelagh say about me?"

5. "Where does John Kerry stand on Shillelaghs?"

4. "Should I hold off until the 2006 Shillelaghs arrive?"

3. "Should I just go to the yard and get a stick?"

2. "Will I get a discount if my name is Shelly?"

1. "Am I comfortable being known as 'That jackass with the Shillelagh'?" Paris Hilton