Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) Howard "Buck" Jackson has been watching the news on immigration rallies and Congressional legislation all week, and he has come to the conclusion that his neaighbors are illegal immigrants.

"Those brown-skinned weirdos act real funny," he said, setting down his eleventh Bud Light. "I've been watching them all week, and something just ain't right about those people."

Among the "suspicious" behaviors witnessed by Jackson: strange outdoor cooking rituals.

"Hey bro - I'm all about the barbecue every day of the week," he said, pausing to scratch his package. "But the smells that come off of the beaner family's grill? That is some strange cooking going on, and that's the dead giveaway. Real Americans just don't eat food that smells like ass."

Jackson said that he will take his concerns up with the "proper authorities."

"We got what you call your Homeland Security people for a reason," he said. "And I am not very secure having goat-eating creeps like that living across the street." Mary+winkler