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7-Eleven Clerk Pissed That No One Notices His Brilliance

Left: Garrity, the unrecognized virtuoso

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Garrity has been working at 7-Eleven for nearly 4 months. In that time he has, in his words, "far surpassed the usual expectations of incompetence" that go along with such entry-level work.

Garrity says that, despite his "obvious genius," he gets no respect from customers, his coworkers, or even his employer.

"I am 16 credits and a dissertation away from my PhD in early modern German Philosophy, yet you'd think I was just another lackey around here," he mused. "It is clear that the citizens of the world wouldn't know brilliance if it bit them on the proverbial ass."

Garrity said that his attempts "to bring an ounce of culture" to the 7-Eleven store in which he works have been fruitless.

"Whenever I change the radio station to jazz or classical music these illiterate Philistines act like I am performing surgery on them without anesthesia," he said, sipping a cup of cappucino. "When I suggested that we employees might start a book club on Thursday nights, not a single one of these simpletons signed up."

The unappreciated convenience clerk said that he was most surprised at the seeming lack of intelligent customers who might enjoy his acerbic wit or wealth of knowledge.

"You would think that - statistically speaking - the odds are favorable that a thoughtful customer would eventually pass through these doors," said Garrity. "The fact remains that every person with whom I have tried to discuss Kant's transcendental idealism and his moral philosophy on the autonomy of reason has given me the same stupid blank stare."

Left: Mikolajczyk "not impressed"

Garrity, who has held "five or six" similar positions in the last two years, said that he will continue to persevere in his efforts to bring enlightenment and heady discourse to 7-Eleven. The manager of the store, however, expressed a different view to Toledo Tales reporters.

"I have never met such a pompous ass as Kevin, and we get a lot of oddballs working here," said Ed Mikolajczyk. "If he wasn't the only body I have to throw in the place on midnights I would have shitcanned him weeks ago. All I ask is that he stocks the place before he leaves, and he gives me this "morality is rooted in human freedom and acting autonomously is to act according to rational moral principles" bullshit. Say, pal - interested in a second job?"

I know people like that.
I enjoy people like that. It's fun to see people who think themselves intellectually superior just because they have a particular niche. In the end they're no better than anyone else.

The Onion you are not. Lame!
Dude, grow a pair. Well all have shitty jobs.
he is obviously superior to the people around him. society needs to stop and think for a second what life is about. clearly the unexamined life is not worth living... he's just trying to make people reflect a little.
Biting satire and wicked parody from the middle of the Rust Belt, where scandals develop that bring down governors amidst the carrion that once was a great American city. Editor Subcomandante Bob leaves no boulder unturned in his quest for journalistic insanity and absurdity.

There is an old saying: If he is so smart why ain't he rich?

The only benefit to being a Philosophy majors is you will know WHY fries taste good with a burger when you say" Would you like fries with that?"
About 4000 years ago the wisest man to ever live told us the end result – bottom line – sum total - to all philosophy.

Vanity;Vanity; All is vanity.
lol surely nobody thinks this isn't a plant. Did you stop before reading the last line?
Do some of the commenters realize this is a humor site? BTW, you've been Farked. Enjoy the traffic.
James: Dude...working at an entry level job means that you are expected to be a mindless packmule who will that will do its job without complaint. Additionally, doing cash register work doesnt particularly exude brilliance. My word to this guy, you get what you earn, not what you demand you pompous ass.

Jamie: This guy is too full of himself. Thinking he is better than those around him because he has some college credits (IN PHILOSPHY) is complete bull. My advice to the manager: axe this guy and tell him one of the best bits of philosphophical advice ever. "Shit happens."
"The Onion you are not. Lame!"--Said the first anonymous

"True, but taking potshots is also lame" types the second.
As you know working on a PHD philosphy, its not for everyone. You expect people to be receptive to Kant with their Slurpee? As a philosophy major I dont want to hear random musings when I buy my copious amounts of caffine, I just want to get my stuff and leave. I don't go around talking about philosophy because I am not an asshole! Philosophy has a time and place....7-Eleven is not one of them. Shut up and get a new job, asshole.
I don't think this Kevin guy have any friends.

He is obviously very smart. Hopefully he would eventually realize that he should see things from other's point of view such as what his boss want and the wants of his customers. He should not criticize his customer and in some extent his boss for the job he was supposed to do the first place.

I love the internet.
I thought everyone liked pearls of wisdom, isn't that why fortune cookies sell so well?

Note to self: if working in a 7-11, offer cookies to go with pearls of wisdom, or to avoid alienating people, offer discourse by wearing a badge that says "fully qualified philosopher - conversation about Kant now free with any slurpee purchase."

On the other hand, I am a girl, and people tend to listen to whatever random topic girls talk about, even if it's the zen of quantum physics or the musicology of disco. I'm yet to start a conversation about the musicology of quantum physics - a challenge for this weekend, perhaps!
Yeah, I know that guy. He is a total fag. Once, while he was sucking my cawk, he asked me if I knew that this reality was just a reflection of an ideal plane. I told him to shut up and get his finger out of my ass.
What a dick
There is an old saying: If he is so smart why ain't he rich?
posted by theone : 9:55 PM

Google disagrees.

On the other hand, 9 out of 10 doctors agree: You're a retard.
I would like to join the book club. The tale of girls gone bad in the latest issue of Swank™ brings to mind the brilliant Kant musing, "We cannot divide ourselves between right and expedience. Policy must bow the knee before morality, and it must ram its tongue all up in that snatch and taste of the tart nectar within."

However, Thursday's no good for me. Can we do it Wednesday instead?
Humor does not work when the author is so clearly exhausting every effort to make it work.

This piece is not funny, witty, and has wasted many a Diggers time.

Go back to Fiction Writing 101 you insufferable hack.
It is the mark of pure genius to waste one's time posting a comment indicating that one's time has been wasted.
I think I know his brother. Worked with him in a six person woodworking shop. An artist, he would lecture us on our ignorance while listening to classical music loud on the shop radio and farting up a storm. Air nailer with the safety held back was the solution.

Is there compressed air in the 7-eleven?
you just so much better than those stupid people, they shouldn't even be allowed to breath your air, hey, its your world, we are just living in it. jackass
I thought it was funny in a wry sort of way. Keep up the good work, and don't listen to the mean-spirited idiots who posted above.

They put their bile out and then went to jack off in their lonely rooms.
Christ - I go on a ten-hour bender and all hell breaks loose here.

To our detractors: A great, big "BITE ME." If you don't like the site, stay away. And no, we did not rip this off from the Onion. We ripped it off from A Confederacy of Dunces, if anywhere. The protagnist in this piece and COD are similar.'

To the nice folks who left positive comments: You can drink with us any time, especially if you bring cash. God Bless You!
It's not your funniest work, but is better than most. I give it a "B."
I don't need acerbic wit from the guy who sells me my cigarettes. While I appreciate intelligence and a sense of humor, perhaps this guy (whose parents obviously didn't pay enough attention to him in childhood) should find a job elsewhere.
I enjoyed the piece. I think it followed a traditional format 'Man not in touch with surroundings speaking with authority,' but that it was well executed. I wouldn't let the critisism get you down.

Be well,
The only things 7-11 customers understand are Dale Earnhardt and their Marlboros in a box.
"Dude, grow a pair. Well all have shitty jobs."

I don't. Good pay, full benefits and 5 weeks off a year (not including holidays and when we just decide to close the office on a whim). Your HR manager wants to shoot me.
Kevin's problem is he's aiming too high.

Hey Bob, who let the dogs out?
I shoudl be the one to talk, I've spent 11 years working in the fast-food industry, yet I haven't gotten any respect for it, and yet, I know every 'dirty secrets' in the book!
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