Toledo Tales

Left: Garrity, the unrecognized virtuoso

(Toledo, OH) Kevin Garrity has been working at 7-Eleven for nearly 4 months. In that time he has, in his words, "far surpassed the usual expectations of incompetence" that go along with such entry-level work.

Garrity says that, despite his "obvious genius," he gets no respect from customers, his coworkers, or even his employer.

"I am 16 credits and a dissertation away from my PhD in early modern German Philosophy, yet you'd think I was just another lackey around here," he mused. "It is clear that the citizens of the world wouldn't know brilliance if it bit them on the proverbial ass."

Garrity said that his attempts "to bring an ounce of culture" to the 7-Eleven store in which he works have been fruitless.

"Whenever I change the radio station to jazz or classical music these illiterate Philistines act like I am performing surgery on them without anesthesia," he said, sipping a cup of cappucino. "When I suggested that we employees might start a book club on Thursday nights, not a single one of these simpletons signed up."

The unappreciated convenience clerk said that he was most surprised at the seeming lack of intelligent customers who might enjoy his acerbic wit or wealth of knowledge.

"You would think that - statistically speaking - the odds are favorable that a thoughtful customer would eventually pass through these doors," said Garrity. "The fact remains that every person with whom I have tried to discuss Kant's transcendental idealism and his moral philosophy on the autonomy of reason has given me the same stupid blank stare."

Left: Mikolajczyk "not impressed"

Garrity, who has held "five or six" similar positions in the last two years, said that he will continue to persevere in his efforts to bring enlightenment and heady discourse to 7-Eleven. The manager of the store, however, expressed a different view to Toledo Tales reporters.

"I have never met such a pompous ass as Kevin, and we get a lot of oddballs working here," said Ed Mikolajczyk. "If he wasn't the only body I have to throw in the place on midnights I would have shitcanned him weeks ago. All I ask is that he stocks the place before he leaves, and he gives me this "morality is rooted in human freedom and acting autonomously is to act according to rational moral principles" bullshit. Say, pal - interested in a second job?"