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5/10/2006

Horoscopes by the Mystical Farood

A semi-regular feature at Toledo Tales

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)- While banking you ask the teller for a carton of Salem Lights. She is not amused.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- You stand in front of the fake fireplace at Home Depot. When a sales clerk comes around, you ask for marshmallows.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)-While in lecture at college you ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you. Be sure to get one extra copy of each handout.


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- You begin a new job at the grocery. You draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other employees that this is your personal space.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)-While visiting a friend's house you leave a note listing a website address. Set up a website and post a photo of yourself with a ski mask sitting on their toilet.

Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) - You rifle through the medicine cabinet at a party and find an anti-viral shingles medication. ‘What the hell,’ you think, and wash a few down with some beer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) – You realize that you have on one beige and one black sock. You play it off smooth, arguing that this is all the rage in Poughkeepsie. No one is buying it, though.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – On the way to class, you see a sign that says “Stop.” ‘No way,’ you smile. ‘The man is not telling this cat how to live!’

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) -You re-label your all your Crayons to be politically correct. ‘Yellow’ becomes ‘Asian,’ and ‘Red’ becomes ‘Fucking Communist.’ Hey, we won the Cold War, right? USA! USA!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While surfing for online porno at the library, you realize that some nine-year olds are looking over your shoulder. You tell them to beat it, and then smirk at the witty double entendre you have just created.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) – You get on a crowded bus with a Tupperware container labeled ‘body parts.’ You hope someone will say: ‘Are those really body parts?’ whereupon you plan to chuckle and show them it’s only goulash. No one takes the bait, though.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) – While receiving communion from the priest scream "BAD TOUCH!" Stephen Colbert

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