Toledo Tales

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: "Piper," a local weed man

(Toledo, OH) Local pharmaceuticals rep Piper said that the federal, state, and local governments need to get tough on immigration.

"These illegal immigrants represent a threat to our continued prosperity," he said, pausing to take a customer's order. "They undercut me by as much as 75%, and they will answer their cell phones 24 hours a day, although it's hard to understand what they are saying sometimes. But how can a guy make a profit if Pedro comes along and sells dime bags for half-price?"

Piper believes that Americans are misinformed about the effects of illegal immigration.

"Local weed men keep their money right here in Toledo," he said. "When Juan Gonzalez opens up shop, he ships our hard-earned weed dollars right back to Mexico to his 19 children."

Piper has designed a new ad campaign that he hopes will offset some of the losses to illegal immigrant dealers.

"We call it: "Buy American, Smoke Mexican," and it seems to resonate well with dopers," he said. "We are also working on similar campaigns for heroin and cocaine. Luckily, we have a domestic crystal meth industry that the Pepes of the world haven't cracked, but those meth-heads crash and burn way too fast, man. It's a volatile market." Porter Goss