Toledo Tales

Left: Knuckle-dragging oaf faces federal rap

(Toledo, OH) Federal prosecutors announced that charges have been filed against former Toledo city councilman Bob McCloskey.

Ann Rowland, an assistant U.S. attorney in Cleveland, said the FBI investigation focused on "acts of unparalleled stupidity" and "behavior more akin to apes than humans."

"We have prosecuted many such cases before, but McCloskey's is unique," she said. "Never before has the US Attorney's office come across someone so shockingly brazen and amazingly idiotic. I mean, how can someone already under indictment be so retarded as to take two bribes? It's a wonder this guy can even spell his name."

Rowland said that the depth of McCloskey's doltishness required investigators to use unusual interrogation techniques.

"We were forced to bring in a simian psychologist to communicate with Bob," she said. "Through a series of grunts and chest-thumpings, were able to gather a statement."

Left: A more appropriate sentence?

Prosecutors, said Rowland, are torn on possible punishment scenarios for McCloskey, who likely has struck a plea deal.

"There is one faction among us who wants to send Bob to a federal penitentiary," she said. "But a bunch of us in the office would rather see Bob set free in the wild, where he can among his own kind once again. Is it really fair to keep Bob penned up? He should be able to roam the savannah with other lowland gorillas." Stephen Colbert