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Noe Demands That Trial Be Moved to Latvia

Left: Can I buy a witness?

(Toledo, OH) Former Maumee coin dealer and GOP fundraiser Tom Noe wants his trial on 53 counts of theft, forgery, and racketeering moved to a different country, claiming that pretrial publicity has been prejudicial.

"I'm hoping that we can have the trial in Latvia, because I hear the Toledo Blade's subscription numbers suck there," he said. "If not, we may have to shoot for someplace like the Congo, where they use drums or some wacky shit to communicate the news."

Noe and his lawyers filed a motion in Lucas County Common Pleas Court that claims media coverage of the coin dealer in The Blade has been "negative, sensational, and downright icky."

"Tying me to all those political scandals was bad enough, but in today's paper they try to pin me with the Natalee Holloway murder," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, come on! I hardly knew that chick, and all I did was buy her a couple of drinks. Besides, she brought me nothing but bad luck on the craps tables."

Noe hopes that the change of venue will prove to be the deciding edge in his trial.

"All the crooked judges in Lucas County are too terrified to take a bribe right now, especially after the Zouhary deal," he reflected. "If I go overseas I have a 50-50 shot at scoring a judge with negotiable ethics. At the very least I should be able to find some nightclubs not crawling with Blade reporters."

The Blade would find a way to send the reporters to Latvia for his trial.
Darn, I wish my trial could've been moved to Latvia.
"...a judge with negotiable ethics."

That should be almost as easy as finding a councilman with negotiable ethics, in Toledo...
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