Toledo Tales

By Toledo Tales contributor Feckless Freddie

Left: Lining up to get out

(Toledo, OH) Police reported that fights broke out in the lengthy line of people leaving this Midwestern city.

The Census Bureau reported last week that the city lost 1.15 percent of its population in 2005, which averages about ten exiting citizens per day.

Toledo Police, however, said the line has grown to "hundreds."

"Nobody wants to be the one of the last ones out," said Toledo Police chief Jack Smith. "There will be one hell of a tax bill for the unlucky bastards left behind."

Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, leaving One Government Center with a loaded suitcase, called upon Toledoans to "stick together and rebuild the city."

"Toledo is a place to be proud of," he said, sliding an airline boarding pass in his jacket. "Didn't you see the "Toledo Pride" signs? What more evidence do you need?"

Left: Grab it while you can

Local mugger Nathan "TJ" Powell was among the residents lined up to leave Toledo.

"Hey man - criminals gotta eat, too," he said, picking the pocket of an elderly man in front of him. "I can't hold up people who aren't even there."

Rifling through its contents, Powell shook his head at the slim pickings.

"Looks like the city and the county got here before me," he sighed.