Toledo Tales

Left: Marcuso and Wan reveling in their profits

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Ed Marcuso, a full-time courier for Wan’s Hunan in downtown Toledo, has seen a drastic increase in gratuities this summer since he began faking the visible side-effects of palsy.

Marcuso, 38, is in relatively good health despite living in his mother’s basement and avoiding voluntary exercise.

This, however, has not prevented him from developing “the perfect scam.”

“I normally start the limp as soon as I’m out of the car,” Marcuso thoughtfully reflected. “Most folks peek out the window when they hear you pull up, so this is critical. The trick is to drag your right foot like your ex-girlfriend smashed it with a cinder block.”

Marcuso continued to detail his intricate routine.

“I normally greet people really, really loud—so goddamn loud they figure I’m smart enough to drive a car, but too retarded to check my public behavior,” revealed Marcuso. “That’s what I call the ‘pity ratio.’ From there, it’s all downhill—I drool a bit when smiling, count their money out loud…on a good night, I average $7 per house.”

Marcuso’s employer, Jimmy Wan, wishes his other couriers would take the initiative to generate additional income.

“That guy good—so good I fire single mother last week who beg for job,” Wan remarked. “He should teach acting class. My daughter sign up. She need to learn business.”