Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Amateur runner Melissa Thompson, 26, runs five miles a day, and judges everyone she knows by their comparative degree of physical fitness.

At a lean 115 lbs., Thompson has a naturally slender physique, but nonetheless exercises constantly and is painfully conscious about her calorie intake.

“I realize fat people, er, overweight people have seriously glandular issues and stuff,” Thompson sympathetically remarked in an exclusive interview with Toledo Tales. “That is why I think they should have their own gyms, their own lunch counters, hell — why not even their own water fountains? I mean, it’s all in the name of equality.”

Thompson said that she believes her relationship with exercise borders on the spiritual.

"It's kind of like that Mahatma Gandalf dude," she said. "He pushed that whole aseptic lifestyle to get close to God or Buddha or whatever he was into. The point is, running can equal perfection."

Thompson’s friends agree that her fixation on appearance can, at times, cloud her perception of reality.

“Once she dumped a guy because he ordered fried ice cream at the Olive Garden,” revealed Sara Muir, Thompson’s roommate. “But she’s a free spirit, you know? You can’t fault her for having principles — like only eating one meal a day and then puking it back up.”