Toledo Tales

(Toledo, OH) At a press conference Thursday afternoon, city officials came together to combine their resources in order to catch suspected sex offenders.

"We're not going to tolerate the young people of our city feeling threatened when they go home from school in the afternoon," said Mayor Carty Finkbeiner. "We will hunt these sick freaks and impale them on iron stakes on the edge of town as a warning."

Local flasher Harry P. Ness, however, took issue with the Mayor's comments.

"Hey man, some of us are just about the quick peep show," Ness said, opening his trench coat to a carload of young women. "I don't hurt anybody, and I'm just trying to make a political statement."

Ness believes that the increased police presence in neighborhoods plagued by reports of suspicious trespassers was like turning Toledo "into an occupied zone."

"They oughtta be allocating resources to more important crimes, like the outrageous prices charged at Victoria's Secret," he said, wiggling his hips for passing motorists. "Do you know what a silk bustier is going for these days? I think not; I may have to go for the US Ranger look instead."