Toledo Tales

Left: Certain business consortiums have expressed interest in the turnpike

(Fremont, OH) Ken Blackwell, Republican candidate for governor, unveiled a plan to lease the Ohio Turnpike to private investors this week, arguing that the privatization proposal will result in "higher tolls and more traffic on parallel routes."

Business operatives of an "interested conglomerate" interviewed by Toledo Tales agreed with the gubernatorial candidate's assessment.

"Without a doubt, the Turnpike represents what you might call your 'untapped value,'" said Henry Hill, spokesman for the unnamed group. "For us to live any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean they were suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again."

Hill said that the group has excellent references.

"Take this struggling restauranteur. Now the guy's got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie," he said. "But now the guy's gotta come up with Paulie's money every week no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me."

Left: Big business, that Turnpike

His consortium, noted Hill, has tremendous logistical experience in transportation networks.

"By the time I grew up, there was thirty billion a year in cargo moving through Idlewild Airport and believe me, we tried to steal every bit of it," he laughed, putting out a cigarette. "When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. Yeah, what we could do with your Ohio Turnpike." ."