Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Bruce Makuck was devastated last October when his wife Deborah left him for a younger, more stylish man after 19 years of loyal marriage.

That’s why this fall, after losing 30 pounds jogging all summer, Makuck plans to revamp his entire autumn wardrobe with rugged, overpriced slacks and sweaters from mail-order clothier L.L. Bean.

“When Debbie left, I was devastated,” Makuck somberly reflected. “And then I found out the guy she was banging was one of these…metrosexuals. You know, one of these pseudo-fags who wear argyle socks and think pink and purple match? I decided then and there I was going to have a new look this fall, come hell or high water.”

Makuck, a life-long civil engineer and admitted “clock puncher,” feels that L.L. Bean’s expansive collection of flannel, corduroy, and denim will help project a more “outdoorsy persona.”

“I used to be the guy at the office who ate nine doughnuts before lunchtime,” Makuck remarked, disgusted with his former lifestyle. “But I took two weeks of personal leave in June, grew a beard, and threw out every Oxford shirt I owned. Nobody fucks with me now.”

Left: The old Bruce

Ultimately, Makuck hopes to rejuvenate his love life through this highly spiritual wardrobe reinvention.

“There’s this receptionist down the hall, so if I make the office softball team this year, it would do me a real solid,” Makuck beamed. “When I tried to ask her out in April, I had grape jelly all over my Dilbert tie. Didn’t go so well. This time…she [Administrative Assistant Josie Fowler] doesn’t know it, but I’m about to go all woodsman on her sexy ass.”