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Local Girl Mumbles Her Way Through National Anthem

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Toledo native Anna Russo, 8, has the quintessential American childhood: her parents always put healthy food on the table, she loves to play baseball with the neighborhood kids past curfew, and she is constantly taught a sincere patriotism in her nation’s heritage.

This is why it came as a shock to the Russo family that Anna couldn’t recite a single line from "The Star-Spangled Banner" during a Toledo Mudhens game yesterday evening.

“My Anna has a gorgeous singing voice,” remarked a tearful Barbara Russo. “I just couldn’t believe she was stammering nonsense to herself, as if she’d never heard the song before. What are they teaching in the schools these days? How about some national pride?”

Anna’s older brother Jeff, 14, claims to know the real reason behind Anna’s botched recitation.

“Man, she’s been hanging out with that Mexican girl Juanita that moved in next door,” Jeff confidently proclaimed. “Give her another couple weeks, she won’t even know how to speak English. She’ll be eating tortillas and watching Telemundo all the time, mark my word.”

Sources seated next to the Russo family, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed "outrage" and "disgust" at the child's inability to sing the national anthem.

"But I bet she can tell you all about kids with lesbian parents," said one man. "I blame the schools, myself."

Toledo born and bred, I would like to take the time to thank:

Mrs. Sibberson
Music Teacher @ Coy Elementry
(Oregon, Ohio)

Not only for grading her students on knowing the lyrics of the Star Spangled Banner...

...but for grading us on WRITING the lyrics correctly with proper spelling.

Thank you Mrs. Sibberson!
The same sort of thing happened to me once. But instead of mumbling, I was just moving my lips without actually singing. It was during the big Milli Vanilli craze in the '80s. All the kids were doing it at school, I thought we were just being "cool". But once in music class it turned out that the whole class was just moving their lips, and apparently the only person actually signing was the teacher. She freaked out, and jumped out a 2-story window. She only had bruises, but everytime I hear "Yellow Submarine" by The Beattles, I get a slight headache and have to take 2 aspirin. Believe me, I learned my lesson....
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