.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

8/16/2006

Opinion: Everyone Drives Like an Asshole but Me

A Guest editorial by Frank Schumacher

Schumacher discussing an illegal turn with a fellow driver

You know, I’m a pretty decent guy. I go to work everyday, I take care of my family, and I pay my fair share of taxes—without bitching and moaning like every other Joe Six-Pack. But as a lifelong resident of Toledo, I have come to a disturbing realization: everyone drives like an asshole but me.

Let’s start simple, shall we? I live on a nice residential street where the speed limit is 20 MPH. We have signs all around that say “PLEASE DRIVE SLOW—CHILDREN AT PLAY.” Hell, there’s even a deaf kid across the street, and he gets his own sign: “DEAF CHILD AWARENESS ZONE.” But every night, like clockwork, these goddamn thugs zip up and down my lane at 50 MPH blasting their bitches n’ hoes, glocks n’ dope noise pollution. Maybe when I run out of the house in my boxers and blast some shotgun shells into their pimped-out Impalas, they’ll think twice about whose ghetto.

Don’t get me going on rush hour, though. Someone ought to tell these pencil-neck jerkoffs about an amazing invention called the TURN SIGNAL, and that if they use it, they are at a reduced risk of getting their jaw broken…by me. And by the way, I’m glad someone invented brakes, but these goddamn phantom brakers—who tap ‘em just to screw up the flow of traffic—need their balls smashed with a tire-iron.

Which brings me to city construction. Look, people—we all have to deal with it. So there is no FUCKING need, when three lanes narrow down to two, for Johnny Cellphone in his 2006 Escalade to zoom past on the shoulder just to get a few car-lengths closer to his destination. Pal, someone ought to rape your wife with a mud shark, make a home movie of it, and give it to your kids as a Christmas present.

The bottom line is we all have to share the roads, so don’t be an asshole: your health may depend on it.

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Toledo Tales ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Toledo Tales ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Toledo Tales ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Toledo Tales ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?