Toledo Tales

Left: Kellerman and Flaherty in happier times

(Ann Arbor, MI) There are many things that Josh Kellerman likes about his girlfriend Mandy Flaherty, and he acknowledged that she is cute, intelligent, and fun to be around.

But there is one characteristic that might spell doom for this undergraduate couple.

"Mandy likes some of the most God-awful bands that have ever recorded music," Josh confessed, admitting he is "something of a music critic" at times. "It's one thing when she plays that stupid Creed CD in her car, but it's really embarassing when she actually mentions at a party that she likes those fuckers, and their heavy-handed, plodding, and juvenile attempts at philosophy."

Kellerman said that being a Creed fan, though, is not the worst of Mandy's aural excesses.

"I caught her singing along to a Third Eye Blind song the other day, and we had to have a serious talk," he said, shaking his head. "I find it difficult to envision a future in which my life partner is happy with formulaic college rock radio bands that would sell their underage sisters as prison sex slaves for a hit record."

Left: Nikki Sixx and company are "deal breakers"

A "moment of cold insight" happened for Kellerman this week when he witnessed Mandy tapping her toes to Mötley Crüe's 1980s hit "Girls, Girls, Girls."

"It was bad enough when she liked that maggoty, fake-devil album Dr. Feelgood by those low rent scumbags," he said. "Do you really think those cretins actually believe in that Satanic bullshit? They saw how Black Sabbath and Kiss used that imagery and made a calculating choice to incorporate it - soullessly - into the fecal remnants they call 'music.' Man, I got some real decisions to make."