Toledo Tales

Left: Not to be deterred

(Toledo, OH) Despite temperatures in the high 90s, Toledoan Kevin Saunders insisted on operating his lawn mower. He believes the "Ozone Action Day" declaration is "a bunch of horseshit" and "al-Qaeda propaganda."

"Let's face it - well-manicured lawns are part of the American dream," he said, pausing to wipe his brow and sip a Bud Light. "If we start letting our lawns go to hell, the terrorists have already won."

Saunders believes that oil-producing countries have worked with environmentalists to create the global warming "hooey."

"Oh yeah - they are all in bed together. It's a regular menage-a-twat," he said. "First they get us afraid of the Al Gore bullshit, and then they have us by the short hairs. Pretty soon we'll all be slaves to some guy named Mahmoud."

Left: Some other sucker might become an Allah-head, but not Saunders

The solution, said Saunders, is to do the exact opposite of Action Day recommendations.

"I'm filling up my SUV during daylight and firing up the charcoal grill at 2:00 in the afternoon," he smiled. "I even douse the coals with extra lighter fluid just to piss off old Osama. I'll be goddamned if this red-blooded American is going to bow down to Mecca."