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9/03/2006

Area Man Believes He Can Profile Any Crime

Man watching too much television Left: Crime expert Breckenspleth

(Perrysburg, OH) Perrysburg resident Carl Breckenspleth, longtime television afficiando, said that his skills as a crime profiler have "dramatically increased" over the past few years.

"After many years of watching "CSI," "Profiler," and "Law and Order," I can pretty much figure out any crime," he said, interspersing his comments with channel-surfing. "I have honed my skills under the tutelage of such luminaries as Dr. Sam Waters [Profiler] and Detective Lennie Briscoe [Law and Order]."

Breckenspleth said that he can usually "nail the crook" within 5 minutes of the start of a crime drama.

"Sometimes I figure it out as soon as the camera pans on the character," he mused. "It's kind of scary - I'm like psychic or something."

His unique crime-profiling skills are not limited to television, added Breckenspleth.

"Take my neighbor, who just had his car stolen last week," he said. "I called up the police and told them they need to be looking for someone over 12 - little kids can't see over the steering wheel - and that it is probably someone who has no respect for the rule of law - since he stole the car. I'm pretty sure they appreciated my help, and that the criminal will be rounded up soon."

Perrysburg police refused to comment on the case, but a spokesman added that "serious tips are always welcome. I did say 'serious,' right?"

Comments:
He's not psychic, but has absorbed the formulaic nature of the shows he watches. Just as Hollywood has run out of ideas for movies thus turning to comic books and the remaking just about everything for the Nth time, prime-time TV has become a similar stagnant, predictable repetition.
 
he can't even afford cable? Jeebus
 
hmmm. lets see: over twelve, no respect for the law. well, that leaves only about, i dont know, maybe half a million people in a 50 mile radius.
 
Why do People Give these guys the time of day. If he's a master profiler he should go and do something aside from Watch Tv?
 
Good Lord, commenters. You couldn't spot satire if it ran over you in a fluorescent-pink 18-wheeler while wearing a tutu and yodeling.
 
It's because it's on FARK, you know because their screening process is so good there. :) Good article though.
 
Isn't satire supposed to be funny?
 
Hey!?! Did anyone see my 18 wheeler? It might be wearing a tutu.
 
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