Toledo Tales

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Left: Baskins, before cheaping out

It began innocently enough, according to Michelle Baskins, a Toledo housewife and mother of two: now that summer is over, she wanted to make a concerted effort to start saving for the holiday season. The most logical way to do this, or so she thought, was to “cut a few corners” on her weekly grocery trip to the Monroe Street Kroger.

Little did Mrs. Baskins know, however, that her decision to purchase several hygiene items of inferior quality would result in the embitterment of her entire family, and jeopardize the integrity of her decision-making skills in the eyes of her husband and children.

“I went to shave this morning, and there’s a bag of Kroger brand disposable razors sitting on the bathroom counter,” recalls a visibly disturbed Tom Baskins, a local engineer. “I called downstairs to Michelle and she acted like it was no big deal. Now I’ve got seventeen pieces of Kroger-brand toilet paper clotting my neck—this shit is ridiculous.”

The youngest member of the Baskins family echoed her father’s contempt for the situation.

“Mommy says we use the bad tippies now, but they leave fuzzies in my ears,” lamented Candice, 4, referring to generic cotton swabs. “Mommy says we have to save our monies for Santa, but why would Santa want me sad? Why?”

Left: Those 'fuzzy-leaving tippies'

Only time itself, it seems, will heal the Baskins’ suffering, as they anxiously await Michelle’s next grocery outing.

“I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of whiners in my whole life,” huffed Mrs. Baskins while loading her dishwasher. “I’m wearing some no-name tampons, but you don’t see me bitching about it even though they feel like cardboard wrapped in sandpaper. If Tom and the kids want a plasma screen TV for Christmas, then by God, we’ve got to start saving somewhere.”